The efforts of a Montreal couple to cure their son of pancreatic cancer through the power of psytrance failed on Sunday, when the young boy finally succumbed to his illness. Peter and Mary Parker of Pointe Claire told a room full of their supporters that their psytrance cancer cure helped slow the spread of the disease, but it wasn’t powerful enough to fully stop it.

“He would have survived had we put him on the psytrance diet earlier,” says Peter. “Instead, we listened to our doctors who suggested all sorts of western mumbo jumbo nonsense. They had us put him on a cocktail of drugs. They had us torture him with chemotherapy. All these western interventions stole valuable months away from our son’s life that he could have spent listening to psytrance. Psytrance heals, unlike western medicine.”

The idea that psytrance has healing properties is an old belief that dates back centuries, says homeopath Lita Dunham. “The shamans of Detroit have been using psytrance to heal sick children since before Christopher Columbus discovered China,” claims Lita. “Psytrance was born of an old mystical tradition seeped in the wisdom of the ages. It embodies medical truths that our western doctors are only now beginning to discover. When you tap into the ways of psytrance, you tap into the very heart of Mother Gaïa, who will replenish you with her mana. Namaste.”

Western doctors are livid that people in North America are still relying on the ways of psytrance to heal their children. “Pancreatic cancer is an easily treatable condition if you tackle it early enough,” says Dr. Tray Sirio. “We could have saved that young child had his parents not whisked him away from us on some ridiculous rave related medical procedure. I’d be angry, but at the end of the day, Darwin did us all a favour when that young boy died. At least now his parents gullibility genes won’t be passed on to a new generation.”