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Thursday December 24th, 2015

Police have arrested several ravers after they dognapped half a dozen puppies Saturday evening from a dog kennel on the outskirts of Montreal. The cuddly doggies were used in an esoteric raver rape ritual that’s as inhumane as it is disgusting.

“The rave community has a long history of puppy rape,” says Sgt. Leonard Batista of the SPVM. “This dates back to the 1980s, when early DJs in Detroit would rape a small cockerspaniel in front of their audiences before the start of every set they played. Ravers call this ritualistic act of animal abuse The Pound Hound. Most party goers find it impossible to dance without first witnessing the DJ physically violate a small and defenseless puppy.”

Ravers agree. “Before I can get in the mood to dance, I need to see the DJ brutalize a puppy,” says 19 year old bath salts enthusiast Ghyslaine Poiroitier. “It’s like I can’t fully let go of my inhibitions until I see someone plumb the absolute depths of depravity. The DJs role is to unlock the carnal and animalistic impulses buried deep inside their audience, and puppy rape is one of the keys that helps them accomplish that.”

Police say it’s time for the federal government to step in and ban raving. “At the end of the night, all ravers are emotionally damaged sociopaths who should be locked up in prison,” says Sgt. Batista. “Raving and puppy rape go go hand in hand together the same way Charlie Sheen and questionable life choices do. You can’t have one without the other. When you tolerate raves, you tolerate puppy rape. If you want to put a stop to animal cruelty, you need to put a stop to raving.”
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