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Tuesday December 22nd, 2015

Scientists at Toronto’s Centre for Cultural Assessment and Re-Education have declared 2015 the year of eating ass, a fact that few people in the west dispute. “Every year, certain cultural trends end up shaking the very fabric of society,” says anthropologist Lee Atwater. “This year, nothing challenged the status quo quite like eating ass did. The once taboo practice of sticking your tongue up another person’s derriere has become a common activity popular with teenagers and the adults who emulate them, largely thanks to the efforts of feminists.”

Eating ass became a cause célèbre for feminist activists on University campuses across North America after Judy Buttler, a 22 year old gender studies student at Gayle University, tweeted that white men needed to start eating out other people’s asses in order to repent for the sin of having been born. “As a feminist at an Ivy league University, I have to struggle with oppression every day,” says Judy. “I was tired of being underprivileged, so I opened up my macbook pro and tweeted that white men should clean my asshole with their tongues in order to repent for oppressing me.”

The response was explosive as thousands of feminists on Twitter rallied around Judy. “Middle class feminists with University degrees are the most oppressed people in the world,” says Laurie Pink, a journalist for the London Shield. “Even though my father is a prominent lawyer, even though I was raised in a two story house in an affluent neighbourhood, even though I have never once had to worry about being able to afford rent, I have suffered enormous privation at the hands of poor and working class men. As a middle class feminist and a journalist, I have a duty to fight the agents of patriarchy! That’s why I support eating ass, because it’s a way for my male oppressors to debase themselves before me, and to admit that I, a white woman in a first world country, am the greatest victim of all.”

It wasn’t long before newspapers around the world began telling men they needed to eat ass to make up for their male privilege. Even Prime Minister Justin Trudeau showed support for the cause during an interview on Lifestyles Of The Rich and Arrogant. “I was born rich,” said Trudeau. “As the son of powerful man who was worth millions of dollars, I know what it’s like to be oppressed by working class men, and that’s why I support feminism, which is a political framework that proves that working class men are the oppressors of bourgeois women. That’s why I’m calling for all working class men to accept the fact that they’re shitty people, which is why they should eat the shit of bourgeois feminists. Lick their assholes clean!”

Poor and working class men from across Canada agree. “I realize now that a middle class woman with a University degree has far less privilege than I do,” says homeless veteran Jason Park. “That’s why, when i’m not begging for money on the street corners of Montreal or dumpster diving for food, I like to visit University campuses and offer my ass eating services out to feminists from Westmount or the West Island. I want to do my part. I want feminists to know: I realize that as homeless man I am oppressing you, and I am willing to prove that I own my privilege by licking your asshole clean. Just shit all over me. It’s for the good of society.”

Feminists are thrilled at the way men have embraced eating ass. “It’s great that so many men have so little dignity,” says Laurie Pink. “Eating ass has helped feminists flip the tables on misogyny. The more we get men to humiliate themselves, the more equality will exist in the world.”
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