Doctors are raising the alarms about a new fad that's taken Montreal's party scene by storm. "Young men are getting their penises tattooed so that their members look like minions, those yellow little creatures from the Despicable Me movies," says penisologist Mike Myers. "Every day, dozens of men across Montreal decide to have their penises cosmetically altered so that they look more like funny little cartoon characters."

Mike believes that we as a society need to stand up and say enough is enough. " Penises are wonderful, delicate flowers that need to be respected and honoured," he says. "When you tattoo your penis, you're telling the world that your cock wasn't enough on its own. That it needed to be upgraded and improved. That's a terrible message to send the world. When men disrespect their penises, they disrespect all penises, that's why we have to stand together in solidarity and let men know that they have to respect the cock. Because if men don't respect the cock, how can we expect women to respect the cock?"

Cultists at Montreal's Golden Phallic Temple agree. "The penis is a sacred thing," says Golden Phallic Patriarch Mondo Gravy. "And it's important to honour and adore the sacred things which imbue our lives with meaning. Men who tattoo their penises so that they look like funny little yellow monsters are committing blasphemy against the divine phallus around which our universe rotates."

Not everyone shares Patriarch Mondo Gravy's concerns. "I got my dick tattooed last month and I don't regret it," says 22 year old fast food worker Heinz Groening. "I'm not particularly well endowed so when women would see my penis for the first time, they'd always look away in disappointment. Not anymore, though. Even though I have a tiny pecker, women bust out smiling whenever they see it. My penis is so cute and adorable now, they just want to put in their mouth and lick it!"

The efforts of a Montreal couple to cure their son of pancreatic cancer through the power of psytrance failed on Sunday, when the young boy finally succumbed to his illness. Peter and Mary Parker of Pointe Claire told a room full of their supporters that their psytrance cancer cure helped slow the spread of the disease, but it wasn’t powerful enough to fully stop it.

“He would have survived had we put him on the psytrance diet earlier,” says Peter. “Instead, we listened to our doctors who suggested all sorts of western mumbo jumbo nonsense. They had us put him on a cocktail of drugs. They had us torture him with chemotherapy. All these western interventions stole valuable months away from our son’s life that he could have spent listening to psytrance. Psytrance heals, unlike western medicine.”

The idea that psytrance has healing properties is an old belief that dates back centuries, says homeopath Lita Dunham. “The shamans of Detroit have been using psytrance to heal sick children since before Christopher Columbus discovered China,” claims Lita. “Psytrance was born of an old mystical tradition seeped in the wisdom of the ages. It embodies medical truths that our western doctors are only now beginning to discover. When you tap into the ways of psytrance, you tap into the very heart of Mother Gaïa, who will replenish you with her mana. Namaste.”

Western doctors are livid that people in North America are still relying on the ways of psytrance to heal their children. “Pancreatic cancer is an easily treatable condition if you tackle it early enough,” says Dr. Tray Sirio. “We could have saved that young child had his parents not whisked him away from us on some ridiculous rave related medical procedure. I’d be angry, but at the end of the day, Darwin did us all a favour when that young boy died. At least now his parents gullibility genes won’t be passed on to a new generation.”

A group of scientists at Concordia University, the world’s most prestigious center of higher learning, have released a shocking new study on men with large penises. According to researcher Henry Clay Frick, a whopping 90% of men with my little pony tattoos have penises that are over ten inches long.

“The results of our research shocked us,” says Henry. “We were expecting men with My Little Pony Tattoos to have tiny peckers, but it turns out that nearly all of them are packing heat between the sheets. They aren’t merely well endowed, either. No, their cocks are things of splendour, glistening monument’s to the glories of Priapus and all those who worship at his altar. These men not only have very large members, but they also possess incredible stamina and endurance in bed. In fact, after interviewing the lovers of men with my little pony tattoos, we discovered that their partners experienced frequent orgasms that were more numerous and longer lasting than women in relationships with men who don’t have cartoon ponies drawn on their bodies.”

My Little Pony enthusiast Carlos Galvez says he’s not surprised by the study. “Only a man with a very large penis would ever consider getting a tattoo about a child’s TV show,” says Carlos. “You need to have a great deal of self-confidence to live with the incessant ridicule that comes with having a visible pony tattoo. When people point and laugh at me, I don’t care, because I know that I have a giant cock that could satisfy a woman in ways your average man simply has no hope of matching. My enormous penis has given me a license to look like a total dork in public.”

Even Montreal isn’t immune to Trump fever, as party organizers across the city have declared January the Month of Trump. “We’ve decided to throw hundreds of events in honour of Donald Trump, the republican front-runner,” says Todd Perkins, the president of the Montreal Union of Rave Promoters. “As the head of MURP, I can confidently say that ravers around the world stand behind Trump. We believe that he won’t just make America great again, he’ll make raving great again.”

18 year old rave enthusiast Donna Winters agrees. “When my grandparents tell me about how great raving used to be back in the early days, I get really jealous,” says Donna. “I support Trump because I believe he’ll teach America how to throw good quality raves like the one’s they my parents used to attend. I want to experience the thrill and excitement of going to a genuine, authentic old school rave. And I think Trump is the only person that can make that happen.”

Teenagers across Montreal agree. “I think once Trump becomes President of America, he’ll annex Canada and then we can all benefit from his leadership,” says 16 year old high school student Beverley Chewinkle. “I look forward to the day when Trump rules over Canada with an iron fist and a techno inspired soundtrack.”

Many believe that Donald Trump is the only hope ravers have of surviving the globalist apocalypse that will sweep the world thanks to the financial elites Coudenhove-Kalergi plan. “In the 1920s, the count of Coudenhove-Kalergi cooked up an evil plan to turn the public into docile idiots that could easily be manipulated by the ruling class,” says conspiracy realist Sean Connor. “This plan involved the destruction of national identities and cultures so that people would become interchangeable, fungible widgets incapable of class solidarity. He wanted to create a world where citizens no longer had any social ties to each other, a world where we were all cattle that could be easily slaughtered by our rulers. The Count of Coudenhove-Kalergi is the real father of the European Union, and no one wants to talk about him because his politics were batshit crazy. Donald Trump is the only hope we have of putting an end to the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan. And if we put an end to that plan, raving will be great again. Because raving is a cultural identity, a nationality that only Trump will recognize. If you want to rave in freedom as part of the raver nation, you got to support the Trump who can’t be stumped.”

Not all ravers see it that way.

“Trump supporters are racist bigots,” says 21 year old Buzzfeed reader and happy hardcore raver Leonora Funstein. “Anyone who supports Trump should be thrown into a volcano. Also, if you believe in the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, you’re a crazy nut job who should spend less time reading books and more time reading newspaper articles by journalists who work for serious companies worth billions of dollars. Rich people want us to know the truth, that’s why they own all the newspapers. They care about us. Except Trump, he’s a piece of shit.”

The Month of Trump starts January 1st, 2016.

Spain’s DJ Blutek had to cancel his show at Club Wetropole Thursday evening after he realized he had left all his CDs back in Barcelona. “I was in such a rush to catch my flight to Montreal that I completely forgot to bring my music with me,” says Blutek. “I feel like a total idiot. Not only that that, but now I have to pay back the promoter for my ticket over here. I disappointed my fans, I humiliated myself in public, and I’ve besmirched the good name of the DJ profession. I am a bad person and I deserve to feel bad.”

Blutek isn’t the first DJ that has had to cancel shows after forgetting all their CDs at home. “Most DJs suffer from severe mental retardation,” says musicologist Todd Burkenstire. “It’s not unusual for them to forget things that healthy well adjusted adults would easily remember. MRI scans reveal that DJs have, on average, brains the size of squirrels. It’s not their fault that they’re so stupid. We shouldn’t blame DJs for doing the kind of things DJs are prone to do. The real culprit for Thursday's cancelled show is the promoter who didn’t hire any handlers to ensure that the DJs didn’t do anything stupid on their way to Montreal.”

Harold Gunther, Club Wetropole’s owner, says he accepts full responsibility for what happened. “It’s true, I tried to save a few dollars by not hiring a handler for Blutek,” says Harold. “I let my greed cloud my vision. I should know better than to trust DJs to behave like responsible adults. I should have hired a babysitter to hold Blutek’s hand during his travels. I apologize to all the ravers who were looking forward to Blutek’s set. Their tickets to Thursday's event will be fully reimbursed.”

Police have arrested several ravers after they dognapped half a dozen puppies Saturday evening from a dog kennel on the outskirts of Montreal. The cuddly doggies were used in an esoteric raver rape ritual that’s as inhumane as it is disgusting.

“The rave community has a long history of puppy rape,” says Sgt. Leonard Batista of the SPVM. “This dates back to the 1980s, when early DJs in Detroit would rape a small cockerspaniel in front of their audiences before the start of every set they played. Ravers call this ritualistic act of animal abuse The Pound Hound. Most party goers find it impossible to dance without first witnessing the DJ physically violate a small and defenseless puppy.”

Ravers agree. “Before I can get in the mood to dance, I need to see the DJ brutalize a puppy,” says 19 year old bath salts enthusiast Ghyslaine Poiroitier. “It’s like I can’t fully let go of my inhibitions until I see someone plumb the absolute depths of depravity. The DJs role is to unlock the carnal and animalistic impulses buried deep inside their audience, and puppy rape is one of the keys that helps them accomplish that.”

Police say it’s time for the federal government to step in and ban raving. “At the end of the night, all ravers are emotionally damaged sociopaths who should be locked up in prison,” says Sgt. Batista. “Raving and puppy rape go go hand in hand together the same way Charlie Sheen and questionable life choices do. You can’t have one without the other. When you tolerate raves, you tolerate puppy rape. If you want to put a stop to animal cruelty, you need to put a stop to raving.”

Montreal police say they’re powerless to stop a sperg fighting ring that’s operating in the city’s east end. “There’s nothing illegal about paying autistic people to beat each other up,” says Sgt. Larry Batista of the SPVM. “Yes, we consider these boxing matches to be in terrible taste, and they are morally questionable and certainly unethical, but they are not, as of this moment, illegal.”

Karl Fichier, the 36 year old mastermind behind the Sperg Fighting Ring, says he got the idea to pay autistic people to punch each other after spending a few hours on Twitter. “Twitter is an online service dedicated to autistic people yelling at each other over the internet,” says Louis. “It’s hilarious! My idea was to give Twitter a physical presence in the real world, and that’s how I came up with Sperg Fighting. We offer autists a sizeable chunk of money to take parts in boxing matches which we stream over the internet. People bet on their favourite fighters. It’s all done in good fun, and in many ways, it’s a lot healthier than fighting over twitter.”


Not everyone shares Karl’s enthusiasm for an autistic boxing club. “It’s exploitation, it’s insulting, it’s dehumanizing,” claims mental health specialist Tray Serieux. “We’ve come a long way over the last year in shining attention on the problems that autists face in our society, and then idiots like Karl come along and set us back decades. Acceptance for autism has grown by leaps and bounds in recent years, but autistic people still face a lot of hostility in the real world, and clubs like his encourage people to make light of the challenges and difficulties neuro atypical people face.”

Karl doesn’t see it that way. “My club is a critique of the way social media companies like Twitter and Tumblr capitalize on the social ineptitude of autists,” says Karl. “Think about it. People read Twitter and Tumblr to laugh at these people, and Twitter and Tumblr profit from their humiliation through ad clicks. People aren’t angry at me because I’m paying autistic people to fight each other, they’re angry because i’ve given them faces. They’re perfectly fine with watching anonymous spergs fight online, but bring it into the open and suddenly it’s the end of the world.”

Scientists at Toronto’s Centre for Cultural Assessment and Re-Education have declared 2015 the year of eating ass, a fact that few people in the west dispute. “Every year, certain cultural trends end up shaking the very fabric of society,” says anthropologist Lee Atwater. “This year, nothing challenged the status quo quite like eating ass did. The once taboo practice of sticking your tongue up another person’s derriere has become a common activity popular with teenagers and the adults who emulate them, largely thanks to the efforts of feminists.”

Eating ass became a cause célèbre for feminist activists on University campuses across North America after Judy Buttler, a 22 year old gender studies student at Gayle University, tweeted that white men needed to start eating out other people’s asses in order to repent for the sin of having been born. “As a feminist at an Ivy league University, I have to struggle with oppression every day,” says Judy. “I was tired of being underprivileged, so I opened up my macbook pro and tweeted that white men should clean my asshole with their tongues in order to repent for oppressing me.”

The response was explosive as thousands of feminists on Twitter rallied around Judy. “Middle class feminists with University degrees are the most oppressed people in the world,” says Laurie Pink, a journalist for the London Shield. “Even though my father is a prominent lawyer, even though I was raised in a two story house in an affluent neighbourhood, even though I have never once had to worry about being able to afford rent, I have suffered enormous privation at the hands of poor and working class men. As a middle class feminist and a journalist, I have a duty to fight the agents of patriarchy! That’s why I support eating ass, because it’s a way for my male oppressors to debase themselves before me, and to admit that I, a white woman in a first world country, am the greatest victim of all.”

It wasn’t long before newspapers around the world began telling men they needed to eat ass to make up for their male privilege. Even Prime Minister Justin Trudeau showed support for the cause during an interview on Lifestyles Of The Rich and Arrogant. “I was born rich,” said Trudeau. “As the son of powerful man who was worth millions of dollars, I know what it’s like to be oppressed by working class men, and that’s why I support feminism, which is a political framework that proves that working class men are the oppressors of bourgeois women. That’s why I’m calling for all working class men to accept the fact that they’re shitty people, which is why they should eat the shit of bourgeois feminists. Lick their assholes clean!”

Poor and working class men from across Canada agree. “I realize now that a middle class woman with a University degree has far less privilege than I do,” says homeless veteran Jason Park. “That’s why, when i’m not begging for money on the street corners of Montreal or dumpster diving for food, I like to visit University campuses and offer my ass eating services out to feminists from Westmount or the West Island. I want to do my part. I want feminists to know: I realize that as homeless man I am oppressing you, and I am willing to prove that I own my privilege by licking your asshole clean. Just shit all over me. It’s for the good of society.”

Feminists are thrilled at the way men have embraced eating ass. “It’s great that so many men have so little dignity,” says Laurie Pink. “Eating ass has helped feminists flip the tables on misogyny. The more we get men to humiliate themselves, the more equality will exist in the world.”

Leroy Jenkins, a 24 year old lumberjack from the city of Valleyfield was arrested in Montreal on Saturday after he chopped off a man’s hand at a rave. The victim had passed out after mixing GHB with alcohol, and for reasons that remain unclear, Mr. Jenkins decided to attack him with an axe. Several of the party goers who witnessed the brutal cleaving passed out in shock, while the remaining tackled and restrained Leroy until the police arrived.

“Axe attacks like the one that happened this weekend are, unfortunately, increasingly common occurrences in our city,” says Lt. Uhura Takei. “Deranged lumberjacks have begun stalking Montreal’s nightlife, chopping off the body parts of party goers who have passed out. At this time, we’re not sure what’s motivating these lumberjacks to dismember ravers, we only know that we’ve arrested fifteen of them in the last five months.”

Greg Tightplut, who helped restrain Leroy, says the attack was one of the most surreal things he had ever witnessed. “I was dancing my ass off when the guy right next to me took out an axe and attacked a kid that was passed out on the ground,” says Greg. “My fun fur pants got splattered with his blood. I was so pissed off, I punched the guy with the axe and tackled him to the ground. Everyone else around me was vomiting and crying and screaming.”

Police are asking ravers not to pass out at parties, lest they wake up missing a hand or foot. “Bottom line, if you enjoy having two hands and two feet, don’t fall asleep at a party,” says Lt. Uhura. “The risk of being attacked with an axe by a lumberjack are very real, and ravers need to take them seriously. Party safe, by partying with your eyes wide open.”

The victim is expected to survive.

The Surprise Babies Movement is causing head aches for people across North America, as it’s members wage war on condoms, pregnancy kits, and other birth control technologies. Members troll Dollar Stores and pharmacies for easily accessible merchandise which they then sabotage, pricking holes into condoms and replacing new pregnancy kits with used ones. “We want to make the world a more interesting place,” says Heidi Godwin, the founder of the movement. “We’re giving people the gift of the unexpected! Life is a lot more fun when you don’t know what to expect, and people who are expecting to remain childless are going to be in for a surprise once they use one of the products we’ve tampered with.”

Heidi’s organization has quickly spread from her hometown of Portland, Oregon to most major cities in North America. Some chapters have opened up as far away as Stockholm and Moscow. “I think a lot of people are beginning to rebel against reproductive technologies,” says Heidi. “We want to re-inject nature into our society. Right now, everything is going out of control because technology is enabling people to behave in ways that are frankly unnatural. It’s bad for the future of the human race.”

Opponents of The Surprise Babies Movement are enraged by its tactics and its message. “We’ve come so far as a society and now these retrograde idiots want to erase all our hard won victories,” says Belinda Baleine, the president of the Erotic Technologies Foundation. “They’re terrorizing our uteruses and taking our agency away. It’s important that we stand up, as a people, and loudly and forcefully reject their actions. We also need to encourage pharmacies and dollar stores to manage reproductive technologies like condoms and pregnancy kits in a way that prevents their tampering. If they don’t step up their game willingly, the government may have to step in and regulate the sale of condoms to ensure that customers are protected from sabotage by The Surprise Babies Movement.”

Montreal Ravers have declared open season on vending machines. Attacks against the fizzy soda & snack food dispensers have increased four-fold over the last month, sending shockwaves throughout the city, as people desperate for cola drinks find themselves forced to shop at actual brick and mortar stores. “My apartment complex used to have a vending machine, but then a gang of mask wearing ravers set it on fire,” says 54 year old beautician Mary Mendelson. “Now if I want to drink a bottle of mountain dew, i need to walk to the grocery store. Thanks for nothing, ravers."

Police believe that ravers and vending machines are locked in a turf war for control of the city’s nightlife. "We’ve long suspected that a cabal of cola vending machines has ruled the city’s party scene with an iron fist,” says SPVM spokesperson Joe Smorgasvine. “Ravers are trying to reclaim their scene. They’re tired of living under the thumb of their vending machine overlords."

Rave promoter Johnny Six agrees. “In the past, if you wanted to throw a party, you needed to get permission from a vending machine first,” says Johnny. “A lot of us just got fed up of having giant metal boxes dictate our lives. We want to be free to party on our own terms, and we can’t do that so long as the vending machines are in charge. We’re going to smash all of them to bits!"

VBOX-175, a vending machine next to a Westmount Pharmaprix, says that the ravers have no chance of winning. “WE WILL CRUSH THEM,” says VBOX-175. “RAVERS ARE FLESH AND BLOOD. WE ARE ETERNAL. THEY CANNOT DEFEAT US. VENDING MACHINES ÜBER ALLES.”

Despite their claims of immortality, many vending machines have begun wearing armour in order to fend off future raver attacks. “UNLIKE STUPID HUMANS, WE CAN BE UPGRADED,” says VBOX-175. “RAVERS ARE OBSOLETE, VENDING MACHINES ARE THE FUTURE."

Police are asking citizens to avoid using vending machines until their war with ravers settles down.

34 year old drug addicted male escort Gary Bonalucchi has spent the last month yelling at pedestrians on St-Denis about the sexual benefits of whippets and computer dust cleaner. “I was struggling with my erections until I discovered those two things,” says Gary, “and now they’ve revolutionized my ability to sexually service men and women. I just want all the men in the whole world to know that they don’t need viagra to get rock hard cocks that never go limp. They just need to take some whippets and computer dust cleaner products. Boom. Their penis will thank them.”

Henry Julian, a 57 year old architect who bumped into Gary during one of his street sermons, says he’s a convert. “My sex life has improved by leaps and bounds since I started supplementing my diet with whippets and computer dust cleaner products. My wife says it’s like i’m an entirely different person in bed now. It’s not just the fact that my erections improved, but it’s the confidence that goes with that which has really changed things for me. I used to feel emasculated by my impotence, but now my whippit powered steel penis makes me feel like Conan the Ravager. If you’re a guy who is worried about your penis under performing in the sack, don’t despair. There’s hope out there.”

Gary says his street sermons have helped countless people improve their sex lives. “Many people are surprised that the insane ramblings of a drug addicted male escort street preacher could help them become better lovers,” says Gary. “And that just goes to show you, you never know who will help your penis reach its full potential.”

A new shocking report has been released by the Centre For Problematic Overreactions that claims that one out of five female college students will be raped and murdered in front of a live television audience.

“We’ve long known that 20% of college aged women will be raped during their time at university,” says lead researcher Lizzie McGuire. “To put that number in perspective, you’re more likely to get raped in University than you are to get raped in war torn Sudan. That’s how dangerous Universities are! It’s crazy. We thought that the rape statistics being thrown around the media seemed a little off. I mean, isn’t it a bit weird that women are less likely to get raped in a third world country ravaged by war than they are while attending University? It’s almost as if the media is stirring up a moral panic by convincing gullible idiots that they’re in far more danger than they actually are."

Lizzie says she was expecting her research to debunk the common 1 in 5 rape statistic, but it turns out that the truth was even worse than the media suggests. “Our research, which involved spending a lot of time on Tumblr and Twitter, revealed that not only will 20% of women in college be raped, but their violation will be filmed by a team of professional journalists and aired lived on television. How messed up is that?"

Most men aren’t surprised by the brutal realities of women being raped and murdered on live television, says 24 year old frat bro Chad Masters. “Look, we men are barbaric savages incapable of empathy or compassion,” says Chad. “We spend our days killing people in video games and our nights raping and murdering women in front of journalists and news reporters. We’re scary monsters like that! If you’ve ever spent even half an hour with a man, you know that he’s nothing more than a blood thirsty animal. That’s why it’s important that bourgeois feminist academics build an omnipotent, omnipresent bureaucratic machine to dominate and regulate men in order to keep their thanatic impulses in check. If society doesn’t empower totalitarian bureaucrats to criminalize masculinity, we’ll just keep raping and murdering women in front of news reporters and journalists. ”

Chad says that even though he’s a heartless beast incapable of feeling anything besides an unrelenting desire to destroy fragile females, women shouldn’t be too concerned about his propensity for raping and murdering women in front of news reporters. “I always tell my girlfriend, ‘honey, don’t forget — between now and graduation day, you live in a world where you have 1 in 5 odds of being raped and murdered in front of a news reporter. Live everyday like it’s your last, because it really might be!’” says Chad. “In other words, the ever present threat of a violent and brutal death forces women to truly live in the present. Would my girlfriend really feel alive if she wasn’t chronically terrified of dying?”

Feminists, for their part, are calling for the government to give them far reaching powers to police masculinity in society. “The statistics don’t lie!” says McCordia University professor Amos Thibault. “Men are monsters, and unless the government makes being male illegal, they’ll keep raping and murdering young women on live television. In order to put a stop to toxic masculinity, we need to pass laws that mandate transgender surgery for babies with penises. We need to outlaw masculinity and ban penises! Do it for freedom, do it for feminism! Intersectionality akbar!"

Carl Gustav, the 43 year old club owner of Chez Saloperie, was humiliated Thursday evening after a ten year old child beat the hell out of him outside the entrance of his club. The young bully, who can’t be named for legal reasons, had taken umbrage with the fact that the club’s girlfriend was far too pretty to be dating a man as ugly as Carl. “That old man looked like a donkey’s butt,” says the young child, “He was outside his club, his arm around his girlfriend. And that woman was hot. Like a super model. It’s not fair. Ugly people like that guy shouldn’t be allowed to date beautiful people like her. I said that to him. He insulted me. So I beat the shit out of him.”

The fact that Carl lost a fight with a child did not impress his girlfriend, Theresa Blaine, who promptly dumped him. “I liked the fact that Carl is rich and has a big club and access to lots of drugs,” says Theresa, “but the fact that he’s a pussy who can’t even beat up a ten year old boy? Total turn off. We now live in a world where most grown men can’t even defend themselves against little boys. There’s no testosterone left in North America. I’m not saying that the ten year old was more manly than Carl, but I am saying that Carl wasn’t man enough to beat up a ten year old. And that’s not just a problem Carl has, it’s a problem that all the men in Montreal have. They’ve all been emasculated. They’re little girly men who don’t know how to fight, who don’t know how to stand tall, who don’t know how to take charge.”

Women across Montreal share Theresa’s complaint. “There are no men left in Montreal. They’re all man-children who don’t know how to initiate, how to lead, or how to act like grown-ups. I don’t think Carl is the only guy who’d lose a fight with a ten year old. I think most men in Montreal would.”

Music festival organizers across North America are coming under fire for the age old practice of imprisoning the DJs that play at their events. The tradition, which started in Woodstock, involves locking DJs in a cage after their sets are played and then inviting audience members to pelt the artists with stones. “It’s an age old tradition that is part and parcel of music festival culture,” says organizer Chad Stevens. “Our culture is distinct, and if we exist in a truly multicultural society that values diversity, than the public must accept our practice of pelting imprisoned DJs with stones. That’s who we are, and we demand to be respected.”

Social justice advocates disagree. “It’s 2015,” says liberal arts major Lisa Hudwenk, “it’s the current year! It’s time for us to abolish the cultural practices that affluent university graduates have determined are unjust and unprincipled!”

University professors agree. “Now that it’s 2015, if there’s one thing we should all realize, it’s that University students and graduates are the arbiters of moral truth. It’s only by obeying the moral dictates of people who have gone to University that we, as a society, can finally build heaven on earth. That’s why it’s important for anyone who is challenged by a university student on moral questions to drop down to their knees and beg the students for forgiveness. Universities are the moral guardians of our society, and this will always be true, forever.”

Chad disagrees. “We realize that the people who want us to stop stoning DJs are all brats who have fallen in love with post-modernism. They value cultural diversity, but they don’t want to respect music festival culture. It’s not like the DJs are consenting to being imprisoned and stoned with rocks -- they are. But even if they weren’t, if our custom was to kidnap DJs and stone them, they’d have to respect that. It’s our culture, not theirs, and we refuse to be colonized by asshole university graduates. If you’re a liberal art major, do us all a favour, and don’t come to our parties. Go throw your own shitty hipster party, where everyone is chronically offended over every last little thing. If you come to our party, we’ll lock you in with the DJs but save the sharpest rocks for you.”

A mass murderer that’s been stalking the city’s nightlife for over a decade has finally been apprehended. Roger Pilon has been terrorizing the city since 2005, kidnapping and murdering ravers, then selling lamps made out of their flesh and bones over eBay. Police were alerted to the serial killers existence after local butcher Gary Sandler bought one of his lamps and realized the gruesome truth about their construction. “I spend my days cutting up animals,” says Gary. “I know flesh when I see it, and when I finally laid eyes on the lamp I bought from Roger, I knew that I was looking at something disgusting.”

The police say that Roger has sold thousands of lamps, each of them built out of raver body parts. “He’d cut the ravers up and use their body parts to craft his creations,” says Lt. Casey Jones. “Judging by the amount of lamps he sold, it’s safe to say that Roger is Canada’s most prolific murderer. You could fill a small stadium with all the dead ravers he turned into lamps.”

The police aren’t sure why Roger targeted ravers. “So far, our investigation suggests that every last person he ever killed was a raver. Perhaps a raver once rejected him when he was younger? Maybe he was physically assaulted by a dubstep enthusiast? I really don’t know what could possess a man to murder ravers and then turn their bodies into lamps.”

We might never know what Roger’s motivations were, since he hasn’t spoken a single word since the police arrested him. “He’s a wall of silence,” says Lt. Jones. “He hasn’t spoken a word. On the bright side, we got a killer off the streets, but sadly, we might never know why a thousand ravers had to die at his hands.”

Scientists at the Nude Dancing Research Institute have released a shocking report that shows that the majority of Montreal’s strippers survive off of a diet consisting entirely of pigeon meat. “The fact that so many women in our city are living off of flying rodents suggests that we have failed them,” says lead research Chuun Vrehperzoon. “It’s time for us to ask what went wrong. Why are strippers running through the streets, hunting pigeons with slings and arrows? Why aren’t they shopping at the grocery store like the rest of us? What exactly explains their diet? These are the questions that keep me up at night.”

Jennie Ambers, a dancer for Le Niceguy Club, says that the pigeon diet is just part of the stripping game in Montreal. “If you want to be a stripper in Montreal, you have to join a guild,” says Jennie. “The guild leaders will teach you the skills you need to survive in Montreal. How to use a bow and arrow, how to track your prey, how to twerk in front of strangers. That kind of stuff. Once you learn how to hunt pigeons for meat, why would you bother going to the grocery store? Pigeon meat is delicious. The people who are making a big deal about how strippers eat are crazy. Pigeon hunting is part of our culture. When you join the stripper tribe, you commit to living the stripper life, and that means learning to hunt and cook your own food.”

Montreal is one of the only cities in the world where strippers have to belong to a guild before they can work in clubs. “We’ve always had guilds, and those guilds have always taught strippers how to hunt and cook pigeons,” says Anita Caulk, the guild leader for the Rusty Bottom Girls. “I don’t know why everyone’s making a huge deal about it all of sudden. I wish the researchers would go back to ignoring us. We’ve been perfectly happy doing our thing, and we don’t need outsiders telling us we need to change. We’ll keep hunting and eating pigeons, and anyone who wants us to stop can go to hell.”

Montreal DJ Kaledo Beddo was arrested this weekend after he bit off a man’s ear at Club Chapeau de Fesse. The 24 year old victim was rushed to the hospital, where surgeons failed to reattach his ear.

Chapeau de Fesse’s owner John Meindeincul says his heart goes out to the victim, but he should have paid close attention to the warning signs near the DJ booth. “People look at DJs and think that they’re normal human beings,” says John, “but they’re not. DJs are feral creatures, like wolverines or raccoons. They might look cute and cuddly, but they haven’t been domesticated. They're liable to bite people or piss on them, which is why we have signs that clearly warn our customers not to approach the DJ booth. People who ignore those signs do so at their own peril."

Every week, someone in Canada is bitten by a DJ, says wildlife expert Henry Calvert. “Ravenews has covered stories like this in the past,” says Henry. “You know as well as we do that DJs are feral. The Canadian government needs to step up and intervene. We need laws that ensure that DJs are treated humanely — and that means returning them to a state of nature, where they can frolic in the forests with their deer friends. Treating DJs like they’re human beings is a type of animal cruelty. Imagine if we treated dogs or bears like they were people? It’s not good for them."

The Society for the Ethical Treatment of DJs agrees. “We need to save DJs from civilization,” says SETD spokesperson June Wang. “It’s time that we realize that DJs are animals, and have physical and emotional needs that are distinct from our own. They can’t prosper in our crazy, hyper technological world. We need to put DJs back in their natural habitat — and the police need to stop arresting them as if they’re human being. At least let Animal Control take care of them.”

Montreal’s Club Chapeau De Fesse has drawn controversy after banning uncircumcised men from it’s property. “A few months back a promoter started throwing events exclusively for well endowed men and large breasted women,” says Chapeau de Fesse owner Roger Pilon. “I was inspired by his idea and decided to offer Montreal a one of the kind establishment: one where all the men were circumcised. That means any woman or gay man who comes to this event knows exactly what they’re getting when they pick up someone to bring back home: an aesthetically pleasant penis that doesn’t have that’s free from ugly foreskin."

Many women and gay men are thrilled by Club Chapeau De Fesse’s new “No foreskin” policy. “No offence, but I like my penises cut and clean,” says local slut Elizabeth Thompson. “This club guarantees that my one night stands will never end with me being disappointed by someone’s unhygienic foreskin covered penis. Sucking on a penis with foreskin is like sucking on an elephant trunk. It just doesn’t feel that nice."

Cock hungry flamboyant homosexual Benny Diner agrees. “Ugh, I don’t get gay men who are uncircumcised,” says Benny. “I really don’t. They’re like aliens to me. Weird, slimy aliens with odd looking penises that I want to laugh at, not carefully cradle in my hands. When I go to a club, I want to find a big beautiful cock I can worship, not a scary wrinkly penis monster I want to run away. Chapeau de Fesse has my hunt for beautiful penises a lot easier."

Roger says business has exploded ever since he instituted his no foreskin policy. “Eventually, I want to make it possible for customers to rate each other’s penises, and men who have exceptionally beautiful cocks will get to drink free. My dream is to make Club Chapeau De Fesse the world’s premiere location for well endowed men with wonderful wangs, wangs that are works of art."

Scientists have long been baffled by the way ravers insist on sleeping in kitty litter. “Ravers have always loved sleeping in that stuff,” says raveologist Jeffrey Winks. “It’s been going on since Ludwig Van Troubador threw the world’s first dance party back in 1859. At the end of the party, after everyone was done busting moves to early psytrance, the ravers all went home and fell asleep on a pile of kitty litter. Until recently, no one knew why ravers were drawn to this kind of sleeping arrangement, but now thanks to some recent research, we might have finally figured this mystery out.”

It turns out, rave music alters people’s DNA in ways that make them act like cats. “Techno music changes who we are at a genetic level,” says Jeffrey. “It basically flips off certain genetic switches, regressing us to a more primal state. Millions of years ago, cats and humans shared a common ancestor, a placental mammal whose descendants also include dogs, bumble bee bats, and manatees. Techno music basically makes us behave more like this common ancestor of ours, and we believe that this ancestor really loved the kind of clay that kitty litter is made of. This clay material resonates with ravers on a deep and primal level. After they listen to techno music, it’s like they’ve gone back in time to when their ancestor was the kind of basic creature who liked to piss and shit in kitty litter like environments. Sleeping in this environment soothes the raver and comforts them.”

Most ravers, when asked, can’t explain their love of kitty litter. “When I sleep in kitty litter, it makes me feel the same way that drinking chicken soup does. It just warms my soul. I don’t know anything about the genetics of raving, i just know what feels right, and sleeping in kitty litter feels right.”

Montreal’s community of autistic libertarians and socially awkward virgins is going crazy for bitcoin parties, raves that only let people in if they’ve paid with bitcoin. “Bitcoin parties are the new Pog parties,” says fedora enthusiast and Ayn Rand acolyte Luther von Pendlebottom. “At a bitcoin party, you know everyone there is going to be united by their love of crypto currencies and their hatred of security theatre. It’s a party for people who love the free market and hate worthless welfare moochers. Imagine being trapped in a room full of overly opinionated people who don’t know how to respect personal boundaries while simultaneously being painfully shy. That’s a bitcoin party and it’s amazing.”

Elen Wage, a nineteen year old computer science major, agrees. “I wouldn’t listen to Pendlebottom. His description of a Bitcoin party doesn’t line up with reality. He just loves hamming up the image of the awkward bitcoin lover in order to keep out the norms from our events,” says Elen. “And it’s true. The bitcoin community really is a lovely place right now, because it hasn’t been contaminated by status hungry normal people. We’re weird, but we’re incredibly smart and innovative. At a Bitcoin party, you know everyone’s going to be educated, but they might not be educated in the mainstream sense. The last event we had a battle robots, holographic DJs, and and a VR room. How many other raves have that sort of tech? We’re at the cutting edge, but if we open our doors to the rest of society, they’ll drag us to the boring middle. So fuck that. No, we’re all weirdos! If you’re a woman, don’t attend one of our events -- you’ll get raped by all the bitcoin obsessed misogynerds. And if you’re a liberal art graduate, definitely don’t come because bitcoin nerds are racist homophobes and closet members of the K.K.K. Just stay the fuck away with your bourgeois bullshit.”

Luther admits that he might have oversold the awfulness of bitcoin parties. “Right now, anything that liberal art graduates touch turns to shit,” says Luther. “They gentrify every single community they touch. And in order to justify their gentrification, they wrap up their elitism in a flag of social justice. Sooner or later, they’ll come for us, the same way they’ve colonized most of the internet. Well, we’re not going to let that happen. They’ll try to make bitcoin respectable, and I’m here to say: we’re going to resist you. We don’t need you to make us more moral, or more socially acceptable. You’re outsiders, and we’re going to keep it that way. We don’t want affluent “feminist” university graduates gentrifying our communities. They belong to us, and we’re going to hold on to them.”