Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Thursday August 27th, 2015

According to a new study released by researchers at McGale University, the Montreal suburb of Kirkland has the largest concentration of assholes in Canada. “Kirkland is a magnet for assholes,” says lead researcher Veri Thé. “85% of people who live in Kirkland are terrible human beings. That number jumps to 99.5% once you include people who moved to the suburb within the last decade. If you ever want to meet empty headed, vicious, incompetent, morally bankrupt jerks, you should move to Kirkland. It’s a total shit hole."

Kirkland Mayor Gary Gozwell disagrees. “Sure, the people of Kirkland don’t care if rich spoiled brats try to run people over,” says Gary. “But that’s because they’re rich! They should be allowed to run over the peasants. And yes, it’s true that most of the millionaires who move to Kirkland are parasites who earned their money by either inheriting it or by exploiting the labour of others. That’s true, we don’t have many innovators in Kirkland, or people who genuinely add value to society by inventing new things and building new products. Yes, most of our citizens are mediocre, and yes, they’re incredibly entitled. Sure, they’re incapable of empathy and compassion. All of these things are true. But are they assholes? Absolutely not. Assholes create shit, and the people of Kirkland don’t create anything. They can’t be assholes."

Veri disagrees. “The only thing the people of Kirkland create is shit,” says Veri. “When you get down to it, Kirkland is Ontario’s Australia. It’s where Ontario sends all their awful people."

Ontario Premiere Beatrice Kennings doesn’t deny it. “It’s Ontario's official policy to use Montreal’s West Island as a penal colony for our most obnoxious citizens,” says Beatrice, “Suck it, Quebec! Enjoy all our assholes! Especially you Kirkland, you suck."

Mayor Gozwell says he’ll be organizing a “Kirkland: We’re Not Jerks!” party on August 28th to help counter-act his city’s terrible reputation. “The party will have champagne and caviar on hand, and there will be activities for the kids, such as the perennially popular pelt-the-poor-with-rocks game."
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News