STUDY: KIRKLAND IS THE ASSHOLE CAPITAL OF CANADA
According to a new study released by researchers at McGale University, the Montreal suburb of Kirkland has the largest concentration of assholes in Canada. “Kirkland is a magnet for assholes,” says lead researcher Veri Thé. “85% of people who live in Kirkland are terrible human beings. That number jumps to 99.5% once you include people who moved to the suburb within the last decade. If you ever want to meet empty headed, vicious, incompetent, morally bankrupt jerks, you should move to Kirkland. It’s a total shit hole."
Kirkland Mayor Gary Gozwell disagrees. “Sure, the people of Kirkland don’t care if rich spoiled brats try to run people over,” says Gary. “But that’s because they’re rich! They should be allowed to run over the peasants. And yes, it’s true that most of the millionaires who move to Kirkland are parasites who earned their money by either inheriting it or by exploiting the labour of others. That’s true, we don’t have many innovators in Kirkland, or people who genuinely add value to society by inventing new things and building new products. Yes, most of our citizens are mediocre, and yes, they’re incredibly entitled. Sure, they’re incapable of empathy and compassion. All of these things are true. But are they assholes? Absolutely not. Assholes create shit, and the people of Kirkland don’t create anything. They can’t be assholes."
Veri disagrees. “The only thing the people of Kirkland create is shit,” says Veri. “When you get down to it, Kirkland is Ontario’s Australia. It’s where Ontario sends all their awful people."
Ontario Premiere Beatrice Kennings doesn’t deny it. “It’s Ontario's official policy to use Montreal’s West Island as a penal colony for our most obnoxious citizens,” says Beatrice, “Suck it, Quebec! Enjoy all our assholes! Especially you Kirkland, you suck."
Mayor Gozwell says he’ll be organizing a “Kirkland: We’re Not Jerks!” party on August 28th to help counter-act his city’s terrible reputation. “The party will have champagne and caviar on hand, and there will be activities for the kids, such as the perennially popular pelt-the-poor-with-rocks game."