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Wednesday August 26th, 2015

Y chromosome carriers are snipping off their naughty bits as men as men across America go crazy for gelding. “Cutting off your penis is all the rage these days,” says professional Twitter activist Gary Ludwig. “Progressive men understand that masculinity is toxic through and through, and so the only way to escape the inherent sinfulness of being male is by rejecting masculinity in its entirety. In order to be a good male, you’ve got to say goodbye to your penis."

Professor Namor Klein of Condoria University partially agrees. “Anyone who has ever taken a liberal arts class knows that men are intrinsically worthless,” says Namor. “When a man cuts off his penis, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a tyrannical oppressor who deserves to be held in contempt for all eternity. It does, however, show us that he knows he is intrinsically awful. That’s a step in the right direction. The world would be much better off if he simply died, but beggars can’t be choosers. Progressive men gelding themselves isn’t the wholesale slaughter of the male gender, but I’ll take what I can get."

Men who graduate from University are embracing self-hatred in ever increasing numbers. “The men at McGale university have begun organizing Snip-It Parties,” says student activist and self-professed misandrist Leah Lyotard. “In order to atone for the sin being men, they invite feminists over to cut off their penises. There’s usually a DJ in the back playing some dubstep while the scissor action is going on. Afterwards, once all the penises are tossed into the garbage, everyone starts dancing."

Not all feminists are happy about Snip-It Parties. “Why should we have to cut off their penises?” asks journalist Binda East. “Men always expect women to do everything for them. Oh sure, now you want us to forgive you for being male by having us cut off your penis? No, I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough. You don’t get forgiveness. You’re the oppressor! We hate you and we’ll always hate you. Nothing you do, not even grovelling before us on your knees while we dismember your manhood, will quell our hatred."

Young men under thirty agree. “Ugh, men are terrible,” says 24 year old culture studies graduate Tiberius Klint. “That’s why I cut off my penis and fed it to pigeons months ago. Thanks to my time in University, I realized that I’ll never be anything but an awful agent of oppression. My opinion is worthless, my experiences insignificant, my feelings irrelevant. I’m happy that bourgeois university educated feminists have taught me about my intrinsic sinfulness. I’ve now dedicated my life to evangelizing poor men, letting them know the gospel according to liberal art graduates. Praise Be Unto Gender Studies, Amen."
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