Montreal parents are angry with the Upper Fallworth School Board after local schools began offering 3rd grade students classes on BDSM.

“Parents across Montreal must learn that the world has changed,” says school board president Christina Lake. “In order to ensure that people of all sexual proclivities and orientations are respected in our society, we’ve decided that it was necessary to teach our children about safe bondage practices. We need our children to know that it’s okay if they like being beaten with whips. It’s okay if their goal in life is to become someone’s naked butler. The sooner we teach our children to accept that their desires are natural and healthy, the sooner we’ll be able to live in a society where everyone is treated with respect and consideration."

Many parents disagree. “What the hell is wrong with the people running our school boards?” asks Tracy Hubertville. “ Our schools have gone off the deep end. In Ontario, you have teachers teaching little kids to hate themselves based on the colour of their skin through poorly conceived white privilege seminars. Over in Iowa, you have teachers organizing anal strap-on classes and salad tossing courses for middle school students. And in Montreal, they’re teaching 9 year olds how to act out fantasies from 50 Shades of Grey. It’s insane. Our teachers are stupid and our Universities are run by lunatics. They’re raising an entire generation of self-hating imbeciles."

Christina disagrees. “There is nothing wrong with teaching middle school students how to toss salad,” says Christina. “There’s nothing wrong with teaching 9 year olds how to safely use a ball gag. There’s nothing wrong with teaching children that they should be ashamed of themselves if they’re white. The only thing that’s wrong is that regressive, conservative parents refuse to recognize the moral superiority of educators, who are their social betters in every way. The crazy people aren’t the ones running our schools, the crazy ones are the parents who don’t want their children to learn how to lick assholes. "