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Monday August 24th, 2015
NEON HAIRED CULT MENACES MONTREAL



People across Montreal are whispering in hush tones about a new, neon haired menace that’s prowling the streets, terrorizing citizens with politically motivated violence. “If you make an off colour joke and one of the Neon Haired Cultists hear you, you better run,” says videographer Graham Moulin. “I made a joke about women drivers the other day, and a minute later, a green haired man wielding an axe was chasing after me."

The Neon Haired Cult is everywhere according to Sgt. Gregg Green of the SPVM. “ There’s nowhere you can run. There’s nowhere you can hide. The cult has infiltrated Montreal at all levels,” says Sgt. Gregg. “They already have full control of our schools. They own the media. They have colonized Montreal, and there’s nothing we can do about it."

The cultists got their name from the fact that every single member has bright fluorescent hair. “They’re overwhelmingly white, educated, and wealthy,” says cult expert Fiona Pair. “They dye their hair bright neon colours because it signals to the rest of society that they’re rich enough that they don’t need to care about their appearance. They’ve adopted social justice rhetoric in order to camouflage the fact that they’re affluent members of the bourgeoisie waging a class war against workers and poor people."

Many Montrealers are terrified of the cultists ever growing reach. “You can’t throw a party now without getting their permission or approval,” says promoter Chad Badwig. “If you do throw an event that they don’t control, and they don’t feel that your party is completely obedient to their political message, they’ll declare war on you."

Not everyone is afraid of the Neon Haired Cult, though. “The key to fighting these cultists is to mock them relentlessly,” says ex-cult member Henrietta Bleak. “In the end, the only monopoly they have is over the two institutions which confer credibility and legitimacy in our society: the media & the academy. If you start living your life in a way that rejects both of those institutions, the cultists can’t touch you. "

The cultists are members of what Henrietta calls the clerisy. “The clerisy are credentialed rent seekers who don’t add value to society, instead they extract money from people through political intimidation and the skilful manipulation of the academy and the media. They’re effectively gate keepers to popularity, and they make their livings by forcing people to pay them for access to social legitimacy. The thing is, people are increasingly rejecting the legitimacy of both the media and our educational system. Eventually, the empire that the clerisy rules over will topple. They’re not as strong as they look. Laugh at them. If an axe wielding green haired freak chases after because you made a joke about Caitlyn Jenner, stand your ground."

Chad agrees. “The easiest way to disarm an axe wielding cultist is to laugh at him,” says Chad. “The cultists are weak against humour. Laugh at them, and they crumple up into a despondent blob of hurt feelings."
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