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Sunday August 23rd, 2015

Police arrested five ravers on charges of cannibalism after they devoured an obnoxious rich kid at a party on Saturday. “Apparently, the victim was using his father’s wealth as a way to insult the people around him,” says Sgt. Jenn Teralta of the SPVM. “Some of the ravers started arguing with him, telling him he was being obnoxious and rude. He called them dirty peasants, which is when one of the ravers started screaming that the poor should eat the rich."

Another raver, Clemence Brown, heard the battle cry and took it literally. “Clemence was high on LSD,” says party promoter Serah Smith. “He got really agitated at the rich kid, and bit him right in the neck. He just chowed down on the kid like he was roast beef sandwhich."

Once blood was drawn, the other ravers soon joined in. “Within seconds, a group of ravers were eating that kid. It was like they were all psytrance zombies,” says Serah. “It was horrifying. The rich kid was screaming and screaming, but they just kept eating him. Several of us tried to stop them, but the cannibal ravers growled at us and starting attacking us. It was like they had turned into ferocious wild animals. By the time we managed to pull them off of him, he was already dead."

Police say that this isn’t the first incident of cannibal ravers and it won’t be the last, either. “Ravers often revert to a feral state when under pressure,” says Sgt. Teralta. “It’s important that people realize this. If you threaten or antagonize a raver long enough, they might try to eat you. You don’t have to be rich to be raver food, you just have to be obnoxious."

Serah agrees. “I’ve been to nearly two hundred parties in my life, and while raver cannibalism isn’t common, I’ve seen it happen more than once. Ravers take their partying seriously. Diss the vibe, and you’ll be lucky to stay alive."
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