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Tuesday April 21st, 2015

Science has definitively proved something that many people have long suspected: ravers make terrible lovers.

Researchers at Devon University have been tracking the sex lives of ravers for the last twenty years, and what they discovered will shock you.

“Basically, ravers don’t know how to have sex,” says Dr. Ludwig Woltann. “A combination of factors are to blame, but the heart of the problem is that the sound frequency of EDM destroys the area of the brain that governs vasodilation, that is to say the dilation of the blood vessels, in a very peculiar way. Techno music physically deprives male genitals from receiving optimal blood flow while also interfering with the proper functioning of the female skenes gland."

In other words, men and women who listen to a lot of techno music will have much harder time getting hard or getting wet. “And the saddest thing is, this problem gets worse with time. The more techno you listen to, the harder it will be for men to get hard and the more difficulty women will get in lubricating themselves naturally. If you're a male who has listened to a lot of techno, chances are you can't even have sex anymore without the help of viagra."

Many people have long suspected techno music of having deleterious effects on the human body, but Dr. Woltann’s research is the first that offers an in depth explanation of why ravers make poor lovers.

“Basically, if you want to have a healthy sex life, instead of listening to techno, you should listen to anti-music."
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