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Tuesday April 14th, 2015

Conservatives across Canada are under fire after dozens of allegations surfaced over the weekend that they’ve been attacking ravers for sport. “We are not hunting people down,” says conservative MP Krual Ebilguy. “There is absolutely no merit to the allegations that members of the conservative party are going around with guns targeting ravers in some kind of twisted game of duck hunt. It's an outrageous lie that has been fabricated by the liberal media, and the fact that some people actually believe it suggests that we need to consider overhauling our educational system. It’s incredibly that anyone can be that gullible."

Ravers, however, refuse to believe the chorus of denials from conservatives. “Over the last two weeks, I’ve been chased down the street on multiple occasions,” says one raver who refused to be named. “On each of those occasions, the culprit chasing after me was a different elderly man, but all of them had white hair, a Stephen Harper button on their lapel, and an AK-47 in their hands. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think that’s a pattern."

Other ravers shared similar stories. “I was trying to listen to some psytrance when a white guy jumped through my window and started shooting at me,” says DJ Belieber. “I know the guy was conservative, because he kept yelling ‘Who is John Galt?’ at me over and over again. If I didn’t have lightning fast reflexes honed by years of mixing psychedelic beats together, I’d be a dead man right now. Psytrance gave me the speed to dodge a bunch of bullets, but i’m worried I won’t be fast enough to out run the conservative death machine.”

Conservatives, for their part, insist on their innocence and have repeatedly denied all ties to any anti-raver campaign. “If we were going to hunt people down, why would we start with ravers? I think it’s safe to say that we would start with poor people,” says Mr. Ebilguy, “not people who have poor taste in music."
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