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Saturday September 6th, 2014

A 27 year old Montreal woman was rushed to the hospital after falling into a shark tank at an ocean themed rave. “I think this is the first known shark attack to ever happen in Montreal,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM. “It’s a very unusual incident. We are not considering this an accident, since owning sharks is prohibited under Quebec law. We believe that the promoter has committed a variety of felonies and are considering pressing charges once we ascertain his or her identity. ”

Party goers say that the shark tank was poorly secured. “It was basically an inflatable toy pool with a hungry white shark in it,” says 23 year old Macy Fenard. “I don’t know how anyone thought that was a good idea. Imagine being a shark, in a toy pool, in a small room surrounded by hundreds of people dancing to EDM that's loud enough to blow your eardrums. If I was that shark, I would have wanted to eat some ravers too.”

No one seems to know where the promoter got the shark or why he felt that his party needed one. “I don’t even know how the hell the promoter even got a shark into the city,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM, “that’s not the easiest thing to accomplish.” The promoter’s identity is also a bit of a mystery. “I think the guy who threw the party was the son of a rich Russian tycoon,” says Macy. “That would explain why he was able to get the shark into Canada. When you’re rich, you can make your own laws, and the impossible becomes possible."

Sgt. Barrista agrees. “It’s true, if the promoter does turn out to be wealthy, we’ll probably let him go with just a warning,” says Barrista. “Rich people are simply better than poor people, and they shouldn’t be punished as heavily as the rest of society. That’s just good common sense.”

Macy isn’t so sure. “Um, I think everyone should be equal under the law,” says Macy. “I understand that not a lot of people agree with me. It is a pretty extreme point of view to have nowadays. Oh well, I hope the next party I go doesn’t have any white sharks.”
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