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Wednesday September 3rd, 2014

Feminists from across America are flocking to Toronto to attend one of the city’s wildly popular ladies only Bang-a-DJ parties. “The birth of the Bang-a-DJ party is the biggest thing to happen to feminism since Valerie Solanas published the SCUM manifesto,” says part-time misandrist Curlita Sue. “They’re absolute game changers. Hating men has never been as easy, enjoyable, or arousing as it is today thanks to these parties.”

Bang-a-DJ parties start with sex and end with catapults. “The evening begins with women literally screwing the patriarchy,” says intersectional calvanist Beverley Tuleshum, “or at least some of patriarchy’s most loathsome members: DJs. First the DJs are sexually destroyed using feminist voodoo magic, then they're placed into a catapult and launched into Lake Ontario. There’s really nothing as cathartic as hurling a male DJ into the sky using a catapult.”

Bang-a-DJ parties are controversial, but attendees can’t get enough of them. “Some people think that what we’re doing is wrong, but those people are mistaken and deserve to die,” says professional male tear drinker Debbie Donogan. “Our parties are healthy, respectful, and a necessary antidote to the deeply misogynistic undercurrents of modern society."

Melissa Snusnu, sole heiress to the Snusnu diamond mining dynasty, organized the first bang-a-DJ party last year. “We didn’t call them that at first. The idea for the event hit me after I got back from the last Bilderberg meeting,” says Melissa. “My chauffeur had just finished driving me home from the airport. He got out of the car to open the door for me when this homeless man walked up to us and asked me for a dollar. I couldn’t believe that this guy, with all his privilege and power, would ask me for anything. I realized that feminism had fallen on some hard times when men like him had the nerve to terrorize someone as oppressed as I am. I was so angry, I decided to do something about it.”

Two days later, Melissa Snusnu was on her yatch — along with a dozen homeless men, a giant catapult, a dance DJ, and several hundred women. “We started by catapulting the homeless men into Lake Ontario while the DJ played some EDM,” says Melissa. “It was a blast. The sight of all those oppressive homeless men flying into the sky excited us on a deep, primal level. Smashing the patriarchy really gets the blood flowing, if you know what I mean. We were so turned on, we couldn’t help but ravish the DJ. Then, when he was fully spent, we put him in the catapult and launched him into the lake too.”

Melissa’s guests enjoyed themselves so much, she started organizing Bang-a-DJ parties every month. “After a few parties, we started focusing exclusively on DJs. Sure, catapulting homeless men is cool, but ravishing and then catapulting DJs is even better,” says Melissa. “DJs offer more bang for your patriarchy smashing buck.”

Critics find the whole thing baffling. “I don’t understand how they keep finding DJs to catapult into Lake Ontario,” says internet pundit John Strawman. "Who volunteers for that? Also, as a man, I may be speaking out of turn, but I really don’t see how these parties have anything to do with feminism.”

Debbie scoffs at critics like John. “Oh, sure, like we’re going to listen to a guy lecture us about feminism. That’s not how this works,” says Debbie. "If women say feminism is about sex and catapults, then that’s what it’s about. And it is. Catapulting DJs from yatchs subverts the patriarchal narrative of male superiority while redefining masculinity within an intersectional framework that challenges the hierarchical privileges permeating the contested spaces of our everyday experiences. And it’s a lot of fun."

The next bang-a-dj party takes place September 16th at the Grand Dame of Misandry Yatchclub.
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