PREGNANCY PARTIES: REAL MENACE OR MONEY MAKING OUTRAGE MACHINE?
Should parents add pregnancy parties to their list of things to worry about? “Pregnancy parties are, bluntly speaking, EDM fueled orgies where teenage girls go to get pregnant,” says urbanologist Keith Cliffords. "They supposedly feature a stable of young men, known as studs, who have sex with young girls who are looking to get knocked up. The studs are then rated on their performance by the teenage girls. Poor performers are kicked out of the party, while good performers are invited to future events.”
Most people think pregnancy parties are an urban legend. “I don’t believe that they actually exist,” says Keith. “I’ve never been presented with any evidence that prove pregnancy parties are a real thing. I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those hoaxes people made up to freak parents outs.”
The idea that pregnancy parties aren’t real doesn’t go over well with professional news columnist Bonny Balensha. “I don’t care if they’re real or not, pregnancy parties are still outrageous," says Bonny. "There is so much about them that outrages me, that I’m not sure where to begin. First, there’s the whole problem that we live in a society where teenage girls feel that the only way they’ll ever be worth anything is if they become pregnant. Then you have all these teenage boys who are abusing their male privilege by impregnating these girls, which is a deeply hateful act and just shows that all men ever do is objectify women. Then, to add insult to injury, the girls have to listen to EDM while being impregnated! That’s just outrage upon outrage upon outrage. I for one, am thoroughly indignant. It doesn’t matter if these parties don’t exist, the fact that they might exist is enough to make me angry. It should make everyone angry!”
Bonny believes that the only way to put a stop to pregnancy parties is by buying her books and reading her newspaper columns. “Okay, maybe pregnancy parties aren’t real. However, that doesn’t matter. The only guaranteed way to put a stop to pregnancy parties is by making misogynists, which is anyone with a penis, read my book ‘Why Men Are Terrible At Everything Forever’, and my follow-up book ‘If You’re Not Always Angry Then You’re A Bad Person’. Reading these two books will put an end to pregnancy parties and the underlying misogyny that sustains them. Until my third book comes out, at which point you’ll have to read that one too, because otherwise the pregnancy parties will come back. In fact, the only 100% guaranteed way to put an end to pregnancy parties is to keep buying my books and to always be angry when I tell you to be angry. That’s a fact. There are studies that prove this.”
Critics think Bonny is self-serving. “I think Bonny belongs to a class of pundits that have successfully monetized outrage,” says Keith. “They’ve co-opted progressive movements for their own personal gain. They profit from making people angry. They don’t want to solve problems, they don’t want to make the world a better place. They just want to protect the status quo, because angry people means ad views, and ad views means money. People need to step back, relax, and realize that the world isn’t as awful as the outrage mongers make it out to be. The next time you read something on the internet that pisses you off, ask yourself if that’s by design. There’s money in outrage. Never forget that. Follow the outrage, and you’ll find someone making a fortune off of it."