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Thursday May 15th, 2014

Police have once again arrested Jason Colliere for showing off his gaping anus to random strangers. “We received complaints from members of the public that a naked man was wandering around Angel Park mooning people,” says Sgt. Morgan. “After apprehending the suspect, we realized that he had been arrested for the same offence in four other provinces.”

The incident happened by Angel Park’s gazebo, where ravers congregate every sunday to dance in public. “We were just minding our business, dancing to some EDM,” says witness Jessica Lansbury,”when this old weirdo took off his shirt and his fun fur pants, then bent over right in front of us and stretched out his anus. It was a real life public goatse moment.”

Police say that Mr. Colliere then proceeded to walk up to every raver at the outdoor event, asking them if they’d like to see his anus. “Apparently, showing strangers his anus in public is a hobby of his,” says Sgt. Morgan. “He likes to see how long it takes before someone punches him in the face.”

In this case, it took nearly two hours before someone got the nerve to physically assault the public menace, after which the police finally arrived. “I think it says a lot about human nature that a man can show off his stretched, gaping anus to a bunch of strangers in public, and most people will just let it slide,” says psytrance DJ Buzzworthington. “You read all these news stories about how horrible human beings are, but for the most part, people are pretty cool. If you can do something as obnoxious as shove your asshole into people’s faces, and they won’t even complain about it, that just goes to show that most of us aren’t hostile or violent. We're a peace loving species. I mean, it’s kind of gross that I had to see some strange man’s anus in order to learn this lesson, but i’m glad it happened. I have so much more faith in people now.”

When we reached out to Mr. Colliere, he said that he uses extreme public nudity to teach people about mankind’s innate peacefulness . “I want to teach people that human beings are inherently decent and non-violent,” says Mr. Colliere. “And one of the easiest ways of doing that is by being obnoxious in public. The fact that I can run around for two hours showing off my gaping anus to total strangers is proof that people would rather tolerate off-putting behaviour than put an end to it through coercive, violent means. I must have shown my asshole to two hundred people, and only one of them punched me in the face. People are overwhelmingly peaceful. My anus antics prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt.”

Police have asked Mr. Colliere to stop his public indecency campaign. “He’s out on bail at the moment,” says Sgt. Morgan. “We’re hoping he’ll keep his anus to himself from now on.”
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