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Wednesday July 23rd, 2014

Judith Bell, a 24 year old Beaconsfield woman, was pronounced dead Tuesday evening after suffocating to death on a used condom. “It’s a needless tragedy,” says Dr. Luke Warm, who has witnessed a rise in condom related asphyxia over the last two years. “More and more people are choking to death on condoms for no good reason."

Some experts claim that Judith is the victim of the internet. "She learned about snorting condoms thanks to youtube, which features dozens of videos of people sniffing, snorting, and ingesting prophylactics for fun,” says sociologist Breanne Beasley. “The facts aren’t pretty, but nearly 15% of people who snort condoms choke on them. The condoms get stuck in the esophagus after passing through the nasal passage. It happens a lot.”

Friends say that Judith became obsessed with snorting condoms after her last boyfriend broke up with her. “The last guy she was seeing didn’t think she was kinky enough, so he broke up with her. After that , she started doing all these weird things to try to get him back,” says Bailey Longsworth, who has known Judith since kindergarden. “She found these videos of people on youtube snorting condoms, so she started doing that and sending her ex the videos to see if it turned him on. It didn’t. I don’t think condoms killed Judith, I think a startling lack of self-esteem did.”

Dr. Warm agrees. “I think most of the people who snorting condoms on Youtube probably have low self-esteem,” says Dr. Warm. “Why else would someone suffer through the indignity of being identified themselves as a condom sniffer to the entire world? Healthy, happy, well adjusted people don’t snort condoms. And they certainly don’t post videos of themselves snorting them on to youtube. I hate that I live in a world where I have to warn people against shoving condoms up their nose. What is wrong with everybody?”

Breanne sympathizes with the doctors concerns. “People are dumb,” says Breanne. “After studying sociology for the last fifteen years, nothing surprises my anymore. Condom snorting exists. It’s real. People around the world are doing it as I speak. I think that says something about mankind’s innate capacity for self-destructive stupidity."
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