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Friday July 11th, 2014

A rave a day keeps the doctor away according to a new study published by The Factual Science Journal. “Our research suggests that an hour of raving provides the same health benefits as two hours of resistance weight training,” says health scientist Alphonse Basquatchi. “So long as party goers stay away from drugs and alcohol, raving isn’t just good for you, it’s the best thing you can possible do for your physical health. ”

The study’s release has caused a shockwave throughout the business community, as countless commercial enterprises scramble to jump on the healthy raving bandwagon. “I think we're going to see a lot more sober clubs and raves,” says investor Curt Bundersmith. “It won’t stop there, though. The health industry is booming, people just can’t get enough health products and services, and now that scientists say raving is the best physical work-out you can get, expect to see a lot of businesses trying to cash in on it. It’ll be the gluten-free fad all over again, except with more dubstep.”

BurgerBuster founder Carl Bedaine is already planning on rave-ifying his business. “Our fast food chain will start offering afternoon raves effective immediately,” says Carl. “Not only will our customers be able to buy a low-fat, gluten free hamburger, they’ll also be able to do it while dancing to hardcore techno.”

Carl Bedaine isn’t the only business owner who is aggressively pursuing the still nascent healthy raving market. “Rumour has it that one of Quebec’s largest supermarkets will soon start combining buying groceries with raving,” says investor Gabe Laurie. “It’s a risky move, since no one knows for sure how big the healthy raving trend is going to get. However, the pay-off could be huge if the movement explodes. Imagine being able to dance to your favourite techno DJ while you’re out buying your eggs and dairy products? That’s going to happen in the next year or two.”

Not everyone believes the hype, though. “This was just a single study, so I think it’s too early to make any pronouncements on how healthy raving really is,” says noted skeptic John Fuddleton. “Raving without drugs might very well be good for you, but that doesn’t mean businesses should start throwing raves.”
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