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Monday July 7th, 2014

Dosein Jerbalon, president of the Association of Canadian Dentists And Enamel Technicians, is warning Montreal ravers against the practice of brushing their teeth with comet. “Dentists in Montreal have seen an uptick in the practice over the last few weeks. Brushing your teeth with comet is a bad idea,” says Dosein. “And by bad idea, I mean it’s ridiculously stupid. I don’t know why ravers have started brushing their teeth with a household cleaning product that’s meant for scrubbing toilets, but I know that if they like having teeth, they should not do that.”

Brushing your teeth just once with comet can be enough to ruin them, says Dosein. “You can scrub off all the enamel, leaving your teeth absolutely defenceless. Within weeks, they’ll rot away, and you’ll be left with a mouth that looks like something out of a horror movie. Most of your teeth will have fallen out, a few of them might still be clinging on to your gums, but they’ll be brown as dirt.”

Ravers believe that brushing their teeth with comet will simultaneously get them high and give them a bright, white smile. “I read it on the internet,” says 19 year old raver Ruth Godwin, “so it’s probably true."

No one knows exactly where the comet brushing rumours started, but conspiracy theories abound. “I think its part of an online campaign by religious fundamentalists who are waging a holy war against party culture,” says Ludica White, a chemtrails researcher at McDowell University. “These fanatics want ravers to kill themselves, they want to create a world with no techno, a world without DJs, a world where the only music is liturgical. They see raving as a threat against piety, so they’ve started posting dangerous ideas on to online rave forums, hoping that people will read them and put them into practice. If party goers are going toothless, it’s because someone out there is targeting them, and taking advantage of their care-free and trusting natures. It’s like Jenkem all over again, but this time deadlier.”

Jenkem is a drug made out of fermented human waste that is purported to have hallucinogenic properties, though experts agree that it’s nothing more than an elaborate hoax. “It’s not real,” says urban researcher Jordi Laborge. “Jenken doesn’t get you high. It’s a hoax that someone started to see how many gullible people would start huffing human excrement.”

Jordi Laborge doesn’t know if the comet brushing hoax has religious roots, but he does know that whatever its origins, it certainly poses a clear and present danger to the health and wellbeing of the rave community. “Ravers need to be a lot less trusting about what they read online,” says Jordi. “Just because someone tells you you’ll get high if you brush your teeth with comet, doesn’t mean you should run out and do it."
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