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Friday July 4th, 2014

Two Westmount teenagers were arrested this morning after police caught them playing soccer with a human head. “Apparently, the pair of fifteen year olds found the diseased body of a happy hardcore DJ, sawed off his head, and decided to play soccer with it.”

DJ Brightslider, otherwise known as Marcellus Favreau, died of a heroin overdose in the parking lot of a fried chicken restaurant sometime late Thursday night. “We’re not sure what compelled the teenagers to desecrate Mr. Favreau’s body after they came across it. We do know that they ended up playing soccer with his head for the better part of four hours.”

The pair played their gruesome game throughout most of Westmount. “They just kept kicking the head down the streets of the borough without a care in the world. It’s incredible that no one noticed what they were doing until we spotted them in front of the library on Sherbrooke.”

This isn’t the first time teenagers in Montreal have played soccer with the decapitated heads of happy hardcore DJs. DJ Wogobogo, who died in 2008 of a brain aneurysm, suffered a similar indignity when a group of teenagers broke into the morgue and stole his head, which they then used as a soccer ball for the better part of a year. Some experts are concerned by the trend. “There’s something about happy hardcore DJs that invites decapitation,” says criminologist Lucy Xang. “We’re not sure why, but the fact that this has happened more than once means it’s an issue that needs to be studied.”

Other experts feel that the worries are overblown. “This is just a freak occurrence. It’s not like there’s an army of teenagers out there decapitating happy hardcore DJs and playing soccer with their heads,” says forensic scientist Beverly Carter. “It’s only a coincidence."
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