Every generation has its calling card. Baby boomers had their hippies. Generation X had its slackers. And the millennials? Well, the millennials have icebergers. The term owes its existence to the practice of iceberging, which might not be familiar to older people, but is common knowledge to the under 30 set. "It’s impossible to overstate the popularity of iceberging among young people,” says 23 year old Trevor Jones. “Everyone does it. No exception. It doesn't matter if you’re a jock or a nerd, if you're a prep or a thug, gay or straight and everything in between. If you’re under thirty, you're iceberging at least once a week. ”

So, what is iceberging exactly, the new hip thing that all the kids are crazy about? “Iceberging is when you make sex toys out of frozen fecal matter,” says Trevor. “That’s it in a nutshell. You fill a condom with shit. It could be yours, it could be someone else, it doesn't matter. Then you let it freeze. And then you have yourself a toy you can use to pleasure yourself or other people.”

Iceberging has been around for decades, according to sexologist Jenny Bertz. “People were iceberging in the nineties,” says Jenny. “In recent years though, the millennials have made the practice their own. It’s no longer just a personal activity, now it’s become a group bonding experience. Millennials love throwing parties where everyone makes, trades, and uses icebergs on one another.”

The popularity of these dirty sex parties can be seen in today’s music. “You name the genre, and you’ll find one of its artists singing about the joys of iceberging. Hip hop, EDM, heavy metal, rock, indie, they’re all crazy for iceberging,” says Trevor. "The practice is so common, that you're seeing it influence all musicians under thirty. I think in the years ahead, iceberging songs will be as common as love songs.”

Jenny says she wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. “Love and iceberging have a lot in common,” says Jenny. “At the end of the day, the practice of inserting someone else’s waste up your rectum shows a great deal of trust. It’s a kind of modern love. A way for young people to show that they believe in one another.”

Surprisingly, the practice of iceberging hasn't been condemned by doctors. “There’s some early evidence that fecal transplants might be good for people,” says Dr. Nick Waters. “They help reboot the stomachs bacterial ecosystem, triggering the growth of new, healthy colonies of microbes that causes all sorts of healthy changes in the body, creating new muscles, burning fat, and even triggering the birth of new brain cells. Students who iceberg regularly can expect to do better on tests, improve their memories, and even increase their IQ.”

Dr. Waters wasn't quite as thrilled with one of the drinks commonly served at iceberging parties. “I have, however, heard that some iceberging parties serve jenkem, a hallucinogenic drug made out fermented human waste,” says Dr. Waters. “Jenkem is bad for you. Kids should iceberg all they want, but they shouldn’t drink jenkem."

Local beekeeper Martin Reisley was arrested last weekend after he released a truck full of honeybees at an illegal outdoor rave. “Over four hundred partygoers had gathered on his land without permission, mistakenly believing it to be public property” says Sgt. Batista. “They were hoping to celebrate life, instead they got a taste of hell. Mr. Reisley could have called the police to disperse his unwanted guests, but he chose to take the law into his own hands. Canada is a nation base on the rule of law. There’s no place for vigilante justice within our borders.” The honeybee attack left hundreds of ravers hospitalized, and countless more traumatized.

Neighbours, meanwhile, are still shocked by the news. “Mr. Reisley owns this big old yellow truck that he uses to carry honeybee colonies to his customers. He’d always have this huge grin on his face whenever he was driving that thing," says Diana Beatties, who lives down the road from where the honeybee attack happened. “He always seemed so friendly. I never would have imagined that he was capable of violence. He’s always been so nice and kind whenever we talked.”

Freida Mayer, a 19 year old student majoring in misandry at McGill University, says that the attack has left her struggling with daily nightmares. “I don't know how anyone could do something like that,” says Freida. “We just want to have a little fun, to cut loose now that summer is here. We didn't know we were trespassing. He didn't even try to ask us to leave. He just showed up in his truck, opened the back door, and attacked us with thousands of honeybees.”

Freida says the mayhem that followed will always be etched in her mind. “No matter what happens, I'll never be able to forget the panic and terror I saw as the bees started attacking everyone,” says Freida. “People were rolling on the ground, crying and yelling. There was so much screaming, so much suffering, and you know what the sickest thing is? That beekeeper guy just stood there, laughing at us as we were stung over and over again. He was happy to see us suffer.”

The horrific nature of the attack hasn't stopped Martin Reisley from becoming an internet celebrity. “People on Reddit love him,” says internetologist Robert Grisham. “They’ve turned the angry beekeeper into a very popular meme. Every day, thousands of new images of him attacking people with bees get uploaded to the web. He’s bigger than doge.”

Fashion critics across North America are stumped by the increasing popularity of gimp masks. “I think it’s tacky,” says fashion designer Bella Smith. “I can sort of understand those ridiculous fox tails and cat ears everyone was wearing a few years ago, but the whole bondage mask thing is a bit extreme. They cover your entire face, they make it hard to breathe out of your nose, and they make you look like a serial killer. Why would anyone think they look cool?”

Ravers are ignoring their detractors and continue to buy the risqué black leather masks in droves. “We keep selling out,” says BDSM store owner Dominique Topper. “As soon as we restock our shelves with gimp masks, they fly out the door. We’re selling hundreds of them every day.”

Some ravers, however, are unimpressed with the masks current popularity. “Wearing a gimp mask used to mean something,” says Leah Lui, a 24 year old raver. “It was like a secret handshake that only awesome people knew. Now it’s become a mere fashion accessory, which is maddening. Wearing a gimp mask was never about fashion, it was about agency. Society is always pissing on those of us who live on the margins, the weirdos and fringe freaks who don’t fit in, don’t belong, and don’t conform. That’s why we started wearing gimp masks, to let them know that it didn’t matter if they hated us, because we didn’t care about their opinions. We were being ironic, debasing ourselves willingly to show that they couldn’t debase us without our consent. They think we’re trash, so we wore our trashiness on our faces, in a way they couldn’t ignore. Now the masks are just another commodity. It’s sad.”

Kinksters are also unhappy with the gimp masks rising fame. “The whole point of BDSM is to break taboos,” says Heather Smith, a Fetlife subscriber and lifestyle submissive. “I used to love wearing my gimp mask, but now that regular everyday people have started wearing them in public, it really defeats the purpose. It’s not dirty or filthy anymore. It’s common. It’s normal. It’s lost it’s degrading sexual connotation. You know, it’s become vanilla. God, I’m terrified by the idea of waking up one day and kinky sex being made common. The idea of living in a world without taboos fills me dread.”

Despite the misgivings of early gimp mask adopter and lifestyle kinksters, it seems like the popularity of the constricting leather masks will continue to grow unabated, at least for now. “Trends come and go.” says Bella. “Yesterday it was crocs, today it’s gimp masks, tomorrow it’ll be something else."

Judith Bell, a 24 year old Beaconsfield woman, was pronounced dead Tuesday evening after suffocating to death on a used condom. “It’s a needless tragedy,” says Dr. Luke Warm, who has witnessed a rise in condom related asphyxia over the last two years. “More and more people are choking to death on condoms for no good reason."

Some experts claim that Judith is the victim of the internet. "She learned about snorting condoms thanks to youtube, which features dozens of videos of people sniffing, snorting, and ingesting prophylactics for fun,” says sociologist Breanne Beasley. “The facts aren’t pretty, but nearly 15% of people who snort condoms choke on them. The condoms get stuck in the esophagus after passing through the nasal passage. It happens a lot.”

Friends say that Judith became obsessed with snorting condoms after her last boyfriend broke up with her. “The last guy she was seeing didn’t think she was kinky enough, so he broke up with her. After that , she started doing all these weird things to try to get him back,” says Bailey Longsworth, who has known Judith since kindergarden. “She found these videos of people on youtube snorting condoms, so she started doing that and sending her ex the videos to see if it turned him on. It didn’t. I don’t think condoms killed Judith, I think a startling lack of self-esteem did.”

Dr. Warm agrees. “I think most of the people who snorting condoms on Youtube probably have low self-esteem,” says Dr. Warm. “Why else would someone suffer through the indignity of being identified themselves as a condom sniffer to the entire world? Healthy, happy, well adjusted people don’t snort condoms. And they certainly don’t post videos of themselves snorting them on to youtube. I hate that I live in a world where I have to warn people against shoving condoms up their nose. What is wrong with everybody?”

Breanne sympathizes with the doctors concerns. “People are dumb,” says Breanne. “After studying sociology for the last fifteen years, nothing surprises my anymore. Condom snorting exists. It’s real. People around the world are doing it as I speak. I think that says something about mankind’s innate capacity for self-destructive stupidity."

Sociologists have long suspected that dancing is all about sex, and Montreal promoter Mario Soulon is taking that idea to heart. “People don’t go to raves to dance. They don’t go to raves for the music. They go to raves to get laid,” says Mario. “I figured, you know what, let’s skip the foreplay. People want to get laid, and I want to make it easier for them, so I decided to start throwing naked raves”

The idea of dancing nude might intimidate a lot of people, but Mario says it’s pretty easy. “First off, most people at my parties are so high on drugs, they don’t even realize that they’re naked,” says Mario. “Secondly, there’s that whole lemming effect going on. When you realize everyone around you is already naked, you don’t feel so ashamed about taking off your clothes.”

Ravers who have been to Mario’s naked parties say it’s like nothing they’ve ever experienced. “There’s something liberating about dancing in the buff,” says 19 year old raver Lisa Dufour. “Clothing gets in the way of the music. When you’re naked, you feel the beats more intensely.”

Mario doesn’t know if that’s true, but he doesn’t care. “Eh, if people think getting naked helps them dance, more power to them,” says Mario. "I just like the idea of nudity. I like the idea of not dicking around when it comes to sex. People make such a big deal about it. If you’re single and you’re going to a party, chances are you just want to get your stick wet or your box stuffed. Stop making a big deal about it, be honest, and let your shields down. If you’re half way normal and you don’t give off some weird ass red pill popping serial killer vibes, you’re going to go home from one of my events feeling crazy satisfied."

Not everyone is a fan of Mario’s sex heavy parties. “The idea that raving isn’t about the music is absurd,” says psytrance promoter Rufus Duddlefeathers. “Raving isn’t about sex, it’s about transcending the limits of the human ego by taking copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs and dancing to repetitive music made on a laptop. Anyone who doesn’t see that is a total scumbag.”

Four dozen ravers were arrested over the weekend after taking part in a new fad that’s sweeping club culture throughout the nation. “Ravers have decided that throwing knives at people is the next big thing,” says Sgt. Godein of the SPVM. “It's stupid, it's dangerous, and it's increasingly popular. Every night, we arrest at least a couple of clubbers for throwing knives at random people that they see walking down the streets. Citizens are now scared to go out at night, because they're afraid that partygoers will throw knives at them."

Sgt. Godein is exasperated with the rise in violence that he's witnessing across the city. "The worst is dealing with raves," says Sgt. Godein. "It's a nightmare. Imagine hundreds and hundreds of teenagers, all of whom are armed to the teeth with knives, waiting for an excuse to throw them. It's getting to the point where we'll need to call in the army just to deal with raves. That's how dangerous they're getting. Every party is now practically an armed rebellion."

Knife throwing became synonymous with raving thanks to a small club in Germany. “The practice of throwing sharp metal objects at people became a part of raving culture as a result of Scheistermeister, a popular nightlife club in the of Wiesbaden,” says raveologist John Gruber. “Scheistermeister started organizing monthly knife throwing contests in 2012. People would get drunk, dance to EDM, and throw knives at each other. The ravers who took part in the events found the idea of dodging knives so exhilarating, that they started evangelizing it. Soon clubs throughout Germany were engaging in knife throwing events. Once the events went national, it didn't take long for them to go international.”

Within a couple years, knife throwing and raving became synonymous in Europe. “At some point in 2013, ravers stopped throwing knives at each other, and started throwing them at random strangers,” says John. “I believe that’s because ravers possess a latent hostility towards society. They feel marginalized and voiceless. The economic hardships that they've undergone over the last decade are now starting to crystallize into tangible acts of violence. They're no longer content with simply dancing their miseries away, now they want the rest of society to share in their pain.”

The rise in knife-throwing violence has renewed a push among politicians to ban raving. “The political establishment is taking a hard look at raving,” says urban theorist Leah Ledoux. “If the violence doesn't stop, the government will clamp down on the party scene. They might even ban EDM."

Local rave promoter Jake Freemantle is in hiding after receiving several death threats for trying to organize the world’s first “Suicide Rave”. Flyers for the event took the internet by storm last week, with people questioning their veracity. “I couldn't believe someone would actually organize a rave that promoted suicide,” says 24 year old raver Emma Clyde. “I got in touch with Jake to ask him if he was joking, and when he said he wasn't, I got really mad -- and then I got really busy. I started organizing petitions and boycotts to shut the event down.”

Countless people around the world soon voiced their indignation against the event, and Emma’s petition quickly hit two hundred thousand signatures. “It took on a life of it’s own. People started organizing Stay Alive raves, volunteering with suicide hotlines, and helping to raise suicide awareness. Life isn't something you should throw away. It still infuriates me that Jake thought a suicide rave would be a fun idea. I don't think he deserves the death threats he’s been receiving, but he definitely needs a swift kick to the ass. I'm glad people aren't letting him get away with his party though. There are Stay Alive raves planned in over fifteen cities at the moment, and the numbers keep going up. I think we might be witnessing the beginning of a new movement."

Several Montreal promoters, meanwhile, have united to throw their own Stay Alive rave as a response to Jake’s efforts. “The night of Jake’s suicide rave, we're going to be throwing our own party,” says psytrance promoter Rufus Duddlefeathers. “We don't want Jake to win. Life is worth living. Yes, it can be hard sometimes. People aren't always nice. Some of them are downright rotten. But that’s all the more reason to keep on going. If you check out, you’re letting the assholes win. You'll notice that Jake isn't killing himself at his suicide rave, he’s just encouraging other people to do the deed. Don’t let bastards like him out-live you.”

John Peswick, a 19 year old Pointe-Claire resident, is angry that people don't share his taste in music. “I just think it’s indecent,” says John. “You know, they could be out dancing to real music, like the kind I listen to, but instead they insist on listening to other kinds of music. What’s up with that?”

The fact that not everyone shares John’s taste in music bothers him a great deal. “I just think the world would be a much better place if everyone had the exact same taste in music that I do,” says John. “I like to think of myself as a barometer for what has value and what doesn't, and anyone who disagrees with me is a stupid idiot that deserves to die.”

John’s passion for music has given him a reputation for hostile aggression. "I love yelling at people who don't like the music I like. I mean, I could argue with them about racism, or world hunger, or child soldiers, but none of those issues really matter. My taste in music, however, is serious business.”

Scientists agree. “We've studied John for the last four years,” says sociologist Arnold Wilson. “John Peswick’s taste in music is the most pressing issue in the world right now. We believe that it’s important for politicians to set their current policy debates aside and to investigate the much more pressing matter of why people continue disagreeing with John about music.”

John is looking forward to the day when the world takes his musical views as gospel. “Sooner or later, people will realize that I'm right and that they're wrong,” says John. “And when that happens, I’m going to gloat long and hard."

Montreal is still reeling after surviving the world’s largest LSD rampage over the weekend. Six hundred cars were set on fire, several streets were turned to rubble, and a good part of Park avenue went up in flames after a group of LARPers decided to make their apocalyptic fantasies into a reality. “I never saw anything like it,” says Sgt. Lufia, one of the police officers who helped bring down the rioting mob of deranged role-players. “It was like something out of a movie. An army of crazed men dressed in renaissance fair outfits wielding weapons made out of duct-tape. You wouldn't think they'd be dangerous, but I’d rather fight a hungry bear than a crowd of LARPers.”

It took the combined efforts of five hundred police officers to put a stop to the mob, and while their violence has now come to an end, the questions about what happened are only just starting. “Thankfully, only a few people died as a result of Sunday’s attack. The property damage will likely be in the billions, and our city’s reputation as a peaceful place will take a serious hit,” says city councillor Mark Rushberg. “We know that the LARPers were high on LSD when they started their . I think the city of Montreal will need to re-examine it’s leniency towards the LARP community, given their role in sunday’s violence.”

Sunday’s events are still shrouded in mystery, though several witnesses have come forward claiming that it all started when a group of grown men dressed entirely in red started offering free kool-aid to the role-players who hang out at the Tam Tams every sunday. “That kool-aid was definitely laced with LSD,” says Bianca Xillia. “That’s the only thing that would make sense. One moment all these harmless LARPers were attacking each other with fake weapons, the next moment they were setting cars on fire and claiming it was the end of the world. You don’t go for reasonably harmless to batshit insane just like that.”

Mark Rushberg cautions people from just blaming the LSD. “People take LSD all the time without burning down half the city,” says Mark. “Yes, the LSD is partly to blame for what happened, but at the end of the day, the fact that LARPers brought so much destruction to Montreal emphasizes the dangers of role playing games. We need to put an end to LARP before LARP puts an end to Montreal."

A rave a day keeps the doctor away according to a new study published by The Factual Science Journal. “Our research suggests that an hour of raving provides the same health benefits as two hours of resistance weight training,” says health scientist Alphonse Basquatchi. “So long as party goers stay away from drugs and alcohol, raving isn’t just good for you, it’s the best thing you can possible do for your physical health. ”

The study’s release has caused a shockwave throughout the business community, as countless commercial enterprises scramble to jump on the healthy raving bandwagon. “I think we're going to see a lot more sober clubs and raves,” says investor Curt Bundersmith. “It won’t stop there, though. The health industry is booming, people just can’t get enough health products and services, and now that scientists say raving is the best physical work-out you can get, expect to see a lot of businesses trying to cash in on it. It’ll be the gluten-free fad all over again, except with more dubstep.”

BurgerBuster founder Carl Bedaine is already planning on rave-ifying his business. “Our fast food chain will start offering afternoon raves effective immediately,” says Carl. “Not only will our customers be able to buy a low-fat, gluten free hamburger, they’ll also be able to do it while dancing to hardcore techno.”

Carl Bedaine isn’t the only business owner who is aggressively pursuing the still nascent healthy raving market. “Rumour has it that one of Quebec’s largest supermarkets will soon start combining buying groceries with raving,” says investor Gabe Laurie. “It’s a risky move, since no one knows for sure how big the healthy raving trend is going to get. However, the pay-off could be huge if the movement explodes. Imagine being able to dance to your favourite techno DJ while you’re out buying your eggs and dairy products? That’s going to happen in the next year or two.”

Not everyone believes the hype, though. “This was just a single study, so I think it’s too early to make any pronouncements on how healthy raving really is,” says noted skeptic John Fuddleton. “Raving without drugs might very well be good for you, but that doesn’t mean businesses should start throwing raves.”

The happy hardcore DJ Terry Hugo is recovering in the hospital after doctors were forced to amputate his hand. The 35 year old DJ injured himself after punching a computer monitor during his latest show.

“When I punched the monitor I shattered all the bones in my hand,” says Terry “Pieces of metal and monitor scraps were placed throughout my wrist in such a way that doctors couldn’t save my hand while saving my life. They had to make a tough decision, and I’m going to have to live with it.”

Terry has long been known for his uncontrollable fits of anger. “He’s got a problem,” says long time fan Pauline Lacroix. “I’ve been going to his shows for over fifteen years, and he punches something at least once during each show. Usually twice.”

Terry has a long history of violently attacking things at his shows. “I’ve seen him punch speakers, equalizers, turn tables, regular tables, promoters, women, men, children, car windows, smoke machines, strobe lights,” says Pauline. "You name it, Terry has punched it in a fit of rage.”

Most promoters found Terry’s anger hilarious. “We never thought it was a big problem,” says event organizer Michael Mowang. “Because he’s not a big guy, and he’s never really damaged any of the things he punched.

Michael believes that he and other promoters are guilty of having enabled Terry’s rage. “We always knew he had a problem, and we should have made it clear we thought he needed to get help. Maybe if we had spoken out against his frequent bouts of violence, he’d still have two hands.”

Dosein Jerbalon, president of the Association of Canadian Dentists And Enamel Technicians, is warning Montreal ravers against the practice of brushing their teeth with comet. “Dentists in Montreal have seen an uptick in the practice over the last few weeks. Brushing your teeth with comet is a bad idea,” says Dosein. “And by bad idea, I mean it’s ridiculously stupid. I don’t know why ravers have started brushing their teeth with a household cleaning product that’s meant for scrubbing toilets, but I know that if they like having teeth, they should not do that.”

Brushing your teeth just once with comet can be enough to ruin them, says Dosein. “You can scrub off all the enamel, leaving your teeth absolutely defenceless. Within weeks, they’ll rot away, and you’ll be left with a mouth that looks like something out of a horror movie. Most of your teeth will have fallen out, a few of them might still be clinging on to your gums, but they’ll be brown as dirt.”

Ravers believe that brushing their teeth with comet will simultaneously get them high and give them a bright, white smile. “I read it on the internet,” says 19 year old raver Ruth Godwin, “so it’s probably true."

No one knows exactly where the comet brushing rumours started, but conspiracy theories abound. “I think its part of an online campaign by religious fundamentalists who are waging a holy war against party culture,” says Ludica White, a chemtrails researcher at McDowell University. “These fanatics want ravers to kill themselves, they want to create a world with no techno, a world without DJs, a world where the only music is liturgical. They see raving as a threat against piety, so they’ve started posting dangerous ideas on to online rave forums, hoping that people will read them and put them into practice. If party goers are going toothless, it’s because someone out there is targeting them, and taking advantage of their care-free and trusting natures. It’s like Jenkem all over again, but this time deadlier.”

Jenkem is a drug made out of fermented human waste that is purported to have hallucinogenic properties, though experts agree that it’s nothing more than an elaborate hoax. “It’s not real,” says urban researcher Jordi Laborge. “Jenken doesn’t get you high. It’s a hoax that someone started to see how many gullible people would start huffing human excrement.”

Jordi Laborge doesn’t know if the comet brushing hoax has religious roots, but he does know that whatever its origins, it certainly poses a clear and present danger to the health and wellbeing of the rave community. “Ravers need to be a lot less trusting about what they read online,” says Jordi. “Just because someone tells you you’ll get high if you brush your teeth with comet, doesn’t mean you should run out and do it."

Two Westmount teenagers were arrested this morning after police caught them playing soccer with a human head. “Apparently, the pair of fifteen year olds found the diseased body of a happy hardcore DJ, sawed off his head, and decided to play soccer with it.”

DJ Brightslider, otherwise known as Marcellus Favreau, died of a heroin overdose in the parking lot of a fried chicken restaurant sometime late Thursday night. “We’re not sure what compelled the teenagers to desecrate Mr. Favreau’s body after they came across it. We do know that they ended up playing soccer with his head for the better part of four hours.”

The pair played their gruesome game throughout most of Westmount. “They just kept kicking the head down the streets of the borough without a care in the world. It’s incredible that no one noticed what they were doing until we spotted them in front of the library on Sherbrooke.”

This isn’t the first time teenagers in Montreal have played soccer with the decapitated heads of happy hardcore DJs. DJ Wogobogo, who died in 2008 of a brain aneurysm, suffered a similar indignity when a group of teenagers broke into the morgue and stole his head, which they then used as a soccer ball for the better part of a year. Some experts are concerned by the trend. “There’s something about happy hardcore DJs that invites decapitation,” says criminologist Lucy Xang. “We’re not sure why, but the fact that this has happened more than once means it’s an issue that needs to be studied.”

Other experts feel that the worries are overblown. “This is just a freak occurrence. It’s not like there’s an army of teenagers out there decapitating happy hardcore DJs and playing soccer with their heads,” says forensic scientist Beverly Carter. “It’s only a coincidence."

The average raver is 40 years old according to a new study released by the Montreal Institute for Urban Affairs. “Our research confirms the mounting suspicions held by many young party-goers that Montreal’s rave scene is currently dominated by older adults,” says lead researcher Jonas Kingsley. “Raving came of age during the eighties and nineties, and while many younger teenagers still enjoy EDM, the overwhelming majority of people who attend parties today have been doing so for decades. This is true not just in Montreal, but throughout North America.”

According to Jonas, your typical raver has greying hair, lots of cellulite, two teenaged children, and a mortgage. “Ravers are old,” says Jonas. “Soon, many ravers will be grandparents. The scene is growing long in the tooth, and that’s causing a lot of intergenerational conflict.”

Rave promoters and club owners are having trouble navigating this thorny issue. Many of them have even started instituting strict age limits as a result of the greying raver phenomenon. “A lot of teens and young adults don’t want to drop ecstasy with their parents,” says party promoter Alys Voisine. “So a lot of us have started throwing events aimed strictly at the under 30 set. We want to have room to breath, to enjoy ourselves without our helicopter parents hovering over us. Our parents had their shot, and now it’s our time to dance to repetitive music while stoned out of our minds.”

Some scientists feel that the war between millennial ravers and their generation X parents is just part of a larger problem. “A lot of older people refuse to go away,” says Dr. Bailey Bonhart, a sociologist who studies intergenerational interactions. “And their children are getting fed-up. It’s bad enough that they won’t retire and make way for younger workers, but now they insist on going clubbing and raving. It’s like they just don’t want to grow up. You know there’s a problem when the dance floor of a club dedicated to dubstep is dominated by balding old men with arthritis.”

Phil Kraken has spent the last decade traveling around the world, throwing increasingly decadent raves in countries that have been ravaged by war and revolution. “I don’t even know why I started doing this,” says Phil. “In 2003, I was visiting family in Georgia when the Rose Revolution broke out. My cousins and I helped organize a huge party after Shevardnadze resigned as president. It was such an epic night, everyone was so happy. After that night, it was like a button got flipped inside my brain, and I’ve been addicted to to revolutionary raving ever since.”

There isn’t a revolution that hasn’t been touched by one of Phil’s raves. “I’m a war tourist raver,” says Phil. “I like to travel to countries that are in the grips of civil war or that are revolting against their governments. All that tension, all that chaos, all that emotion, it’s intoxicating. An unravelling society is the perfect setting to drop some fat beats and get your groove on. There’s something about revolutions that electrify people. You really can’t compare dancing to Skrillex in Libya while machine guns are blasting and people are dying to say, swinging your butt around in the safety of a New York club where you know you won’t be violently oppressed by a mad dictator. Unfortunately, partying in the west is just too safe. Raving needs to be dangerous — it needs to celebrate human autonomy in the face of coercion.”

A lot of people are unimpressed with Phil’s hobby, and consider his parties to be grossly indecent. “He’s making a mockery of human suffering,” says ethicist Noella Ward. “There’s nothing quite as obnoxious as a rich white guy traveling to war torn countries with the expressed intention of having fun
while people around him die.”

Phil things his critics are missing the point. “It’s not about making light of their problems,” says Phil. “It’s about celebrating the spirit of defiance that you can only find when people stand up to power. Right now, the revolutions are all happening in poorer countries, so that’s where I take my raves to. I just threw an awesome party in Kiev, during their recent protests. And we all had a great time. I think my raves are therapeutic. Not only do they take people’s minds off the madness around them, they also keep their morale up so that they continue their struggles with lighter hearts.”

Noella remains unconvinced. “At the end of the day, Phil is still exploiting people. He can put lipstick on a pig if he wants, but it’s still just a pig. No matter how he dresses up the issue, he’s not going to escape its ethically dubious merits.”

Phil disagrees. “I like to think that all the revolutionary raves I’ve thrown so far have been practice for the real show — for when Americans become so fed up with their own government, that they take it down. The parties i’m throwing are all leading up to that event. The beats are going to hit America so fast and so hard, that none of the revolutionaries will want to back down. I’m going to keep their morale up with MDMA and EDM.”

Critics think Phil might be delusional. “He’s an idiot,” says Noella. "He should see a therapist."

An Ayn Rand inspired rave dedicated to the moral superiority of the rich was cancelled after angry anti-poverty activists physically assaulted several of the well heeled organizers. “It just goes to show you that the wealthy are truly the most oppressed members of society,” said Winston Vanderbilt the 3rd, one of the co-organizers. “I was attacked by lower class ruffians just because I wanted to throw a small party for me and my friends. The brutality of the incident has convinced us that Montreal simply isn’t safe for multimillionaires, so we’ve decided to move our event to a country where poor people have the good sense to be afraid of their social betters.”

This wasn’t the first time a libertarian flavoured rave has caused drama in Montreal. Parties dedicated to making fun of the poor have exploded in popularity since the 2008 recession. “It’s becoming a bit of an epidemic,” says sociologist Max Dijon, “It’s how the rich deal with their status anxiety. They know that a lot of people resent them for their wealth, so they throw these parties as a way of feeling better about themselves. However, I think in the long run they’re just throwing fuel to the fire.”

One activist says Vanderbilt deserved what he got. “I don’t know who attacked him, but I’d love to give them a high five,” says anarchist Jason Windles. “Vanderbilt was planning to hire a dozen homeless people for his event. Do you know what their role was going to be? Human punching bags. A bunch of multimillionaires were planning to pluck people off the poor to give other multimillionaires the pleasure of hitting and insulting the homeless, it was beyond odious.”

John Fordham, an objectivist scholar and one time acolyte of Ayn Rand, says that this is perfectly acceptable behaviour. “The poor aren’t really people,” says John. “They have more in common with property than they do sentient human beings capable of agency. That’s why it’s okay for the rich to use them as they see fit. Merit is found in your pocketbook, and the size of your pocketbook is a reflection of the eternal benevolence of the free market, a market rewards people based solely on the merit of their actions. If you’re poor, it’s because you’re just not very useful to the world. Why not work on yourself instead of attacking the multimillionaires who worked for their money?"