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Like Us!
Wednesday August 27th, 2014
NEW LAW IN WAKANDISTAN PUNISHES RAVING WITH DEATH
FEATURED ARTICLE



The small Eurasian country of Wakandistan successfully passed a law last week that makes raving punishable by death. “Raving is nothing more than western decadence,” says Wakandistani M.P Brüt Legøme. “It’s a sign of moral impurity. By tolerating raving, the people of Wakandistan open themselves up to spiritual decay, and so we say, it is better to kill a raver, than to risk sending the souls of our people to the fiery pits of eternal hell.”

Wakandistan, like Abkhazia and South Ossetia, is a breakaway republic that lacks international recognition. “The only people that recognize Wakandistan are Russia and a few of its key allies,” says European historian Bàlzac Zwetty. “This law banning raves is just a bit of sabre rattling inspired by current geopolitics. It’s a way of letting the world know that Wakandistan stands with Russia against Western imperialism.”

The sentiment throughout Eurasia has become increasingly divisive, as more and more of its inhabitants turn against the west. “The war on raving is just a symptom of a greater conflict,” says Bàlzac. “I doubt any ravers are actually going to be stoned to death, no matter what the laws say. This is just for show.”

Brüt Legøme denies that this law is just a matter of theatrics. “No, we will definitely kill anyone we catch raving within our borders,” says Brüt. “That’s not all, our bill also criminalizes all EDM music. Anyone who is caught listening to techno and any if its musical relatives will face corporal punishment. Twenty lashes for psystrance, forty for dubstep, sixty for electro. It’s important for Wakandistan to set firm boundaries vis-a-vis western cultural imperialism. We will not tolerate the decadent electronic music of the great satanic occident. Wakandistan is a pure and noble country, and we shall remain pure.”

Bàlzac remains unconvinced. “I still thinks it’s all for show. Brüt himself used to be a techno DJ. The entire Wakandistan parliament throws EDM parties every Saturday. They say they’re going to kill ravers, but what they really mean is that they’re going to kill ravers who are politically opponents to the Wakandistan regime. If you’re pro-Wakandistan, you can listen to all the techno you want, and no one will touch a single hair on your body.”
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