Scientists at Ottawa’s Auburn University have released a study that they say shows a conclusive link between smoking marijuana and raping the elderly. “Statistically, people who commit elder rape are much more likely to be pot smokers,” says lead researcher Dr. Jane Quacks, “and the difference isn’t minor, either. If someone is arrested for raping an elderly person, they are fifty times more likely to be a pot smoker. In other words, for every non smoker who commits sexual assault against someone’s grandmother, you have fifty marijuana users who have done the same. Fifty!”

The scientists are hard pressed to find a reason for why marijuana users are so prone to abusing old people. “We believe that THC, the chemical compound in marijuana that’s responsible for getting people high, alters two key regions in the brain, the insular cortex, which plays a role in regulating empathy, and the caudate nucleus, which governs the brain’s reward centre,” says Dr. Quacks, “THC rewires the caudate nucleus so that previously undesirable activities becomes desirable. A normal person does not find raping baby boomers to be rewarding, but on marijuana, they do.”

Dr. Quack’s research will surely prove controversial, especially in the light of recent efforts to legalize marijuana. “I think it’s obvious that marijuana puts baby boomers at risk,” says Dr. Quacks, “and that’s why politicians need to seriously consider the consequences of legalization. If we’re not careful, we will create the conditions necessary for a country wide crime wave in which roving gangs of pot smoking teenagers will scour the suburbs looking for old people to sexually assault. The right thing to do is to make marijuana illegal for all times, under all conditions. Think of the elderly. If we don't protect them from pot smokers, who will?”