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Monday October 21st, 2013

Montreal's Festive Fedoras has only been in business for five years, but during that time, store owner Franky Banner has helped thousands of lovelorn men find their way into the hearts and hearths of the fairer sex. "It's a little known secret," says Franky, "but fedoras are the ultimate aphrodisiac. A woman sees a man in a fedora, and she can't help but go a little weak in the knees."

Festive Fedoras is the largest fedora shop in North America. "We sell thousands of fedoras to young men every day. Our online operations are second to none," says Franky. "We were able to corner the fedora market by focusing on its sex appeal. Fedoras are talismans of sexual potency, they embody manliness and harken back to an era of ribald masculinity that has been eviscerated by feminism and all of its attendant evils. When a man wears one of our fedoras, he's telling the world he's an agent of sexual devastation, a veritable atom bomb of clitoral annihilation whose sole purpose in life is to make women scream out in wild delirious erotic joy."

Women agree. "Oh, I can't help but want to throw myself at a man in a fedora," says Jessica Winters, a 34 year old accountant. "That's how i met my husband. I saw him walking down the street with a wide rimmed brown suede fedora, and I knew I had to have him."

Lisa Lapin, a 19 year old fashion model, is another fan of the hat. "Fedoras are the Axe Body Spray of hats," says Lisa. "When a woman sees a man in a fedora, a sexual switch flips off in her brain that screams ravage me, you delicious morsel of man meat."

Evolutionary psychologist Joseph Beaudoin says that even science agrees with the sexual potency of the fedora. "Dozens of studies have been conducted which show that fedoras possess an unusually powerful seductive effect on women," says Joseph. "The current theory for why women respond so aggressively to the fedora is that it taps into a vestigial collective memory of the 1940s, when men truly ruled the world. This memory arouses them on a deep, subliminal level."

Bar owner Winston Feathers is another champion of the classic hat. "Over at my pub, the bartenders have a bag of fedoras they keep behind the counter," says Winston. "When they see one of our patrons strike out with a woman, they hand the guy a free fedora. It's out way of keeping our customers happy. Nine times out of ten, that guy will end the night with another woman on his arms. That's how powerful fedoras are. No fedora on your head? You strike out. Fedora covering your cranium? You hit a home run straight into the welcoming thighs of lady love."

Franky Banner is happy about the popularity of his beloved hat. "I like making people happy," says Franky. "Knowing that my fedoras are helping single men find love? That warms my heart. It's like i'm playing cupid on a grand scale."
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