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Thursday May 30th, 2013

"My roommate, Jason, keeps inviting ravers to our apartment," says Philip Scotia, a 27 year old mechanic. "These ravers don't respect our property. They treat our apartment like it's their own personal Star Wars lego set. They always break our stuff, they're constantly moving things around, they never clean up after themselves, and they are always getting high on drugs, which makes it impossible to reason with them."

Philip kept asking Jason to bring his raver friends into line, and when Jason refused, Philip snapped. "I have a job, I have to wake up at 7:00am. It's always been bad at our apartment, but last Thursday was the straw that broke the camels back. Jason decided to bring a dozen 18 year old ravers to our apartment at 2am. I was blissfully asleep when this rowdy crowd of coked up teenagers cranked up the stereo to max, and start blasting Skrillex. It was so loud, our neighbours filed yet another complaint against us with the landlord, and now we're being evicted."

News of the eviction came long after the deviant teens had ruined Philip's night. "These ravers were out of their minds on cocaine. And they just kept snorting it. They were like vacuum cleaners whose brains were empty, cavernous containers that existed solely to store Columbia's finest white powder."

At 4am, Philip had grown tired of trying to convince Jason to ask the ravers to leave. "Jason didn't care if the ravers were keeping me up or not, and the ravers were just as inconsiderate. Since they wouldn't leave by choice, I got creative. I grabbed a bottle of Ajax Spray from our washroom, went to the living room, and started spraying the glass table they were using to snort their coke on. That upset them, but it didn't make them leave. So I started spraying Ajax on their clothes."

One angry coked up teenager got violent with Philip. "He tried to punch me, but he missed and ended punching the wall. I threatened to spray him in the face if he didn't leave, and when he approached me to attack again, I sprayed some more Ajax, this time on his face. Then I turned around, and started spraying Ajax in the direction of all the other ravers, they finally got the message and left the apartment."

Philip eventually got a goodnight's sleep after he had chased the ravers out of his home. "Jason didn't even care that I had just attacked all his friends with a bottle of Ajax. He's a weirdo," says Philip. "We got the eviction notice later that week, but I'm not mad about it. Attacking a bunch of ravers with a bottle of Ajax has always been on my bucket list. And besides, it's time I find a raver free apartment. I'm even going to get a little sign that says Ravers Not Allowed to put on my front door."
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