Index - About Us Register - Login
Article Listings
Newest Articles
All Articles
Monthly View
2019 April
2019 February
2019 January
2018 December
2018 November
2018 September
2018 August
2018 July
2018 June
2018 May
2017 October
2017 September
2017 August
2017 July
2017 January
2016 May
2016 April
2016 March
2016 February
2016 January
2015 December
2015 November
2015 October
2015 September
2015 August
2015 July
2015 June
2015 May
2015 April
2015 March
2015 January
2014 September
2014 August
2014 July
2014 June
2014 May
2014 April
2013 November
2013 October
2013 June
2013 May
2013 April
2013 March
2013 February
2013 January
2012 November
2012 October
2012 September
2012 August
2012 June
2011 December
2011 November
2011 August
2011 July
2010 December
2010 November
2010 October
Like Us!
Monday March 11th, 2013

Montreal is witnessing a gold rush as hundreds of young, affluent suburbanites flock to the city in an effort to reclaim money they feel is rightfully theirs. There's gold in the alleyways of Montreal, and these rugged West Island and South Shore natives are hellbent on mining it. "I've been robbing the homeless for a year now," says Steve LaDouche, a rave promoter from Kirkland. "It's one of the most rewarding jobs you could possibly imagine."

The rich and well to do citizens of Montreal's suburbs and exurbs are banding together to fight against Quebec's rampant socialist tendencies. "During the student protests of 2012, it was obvious that Montreal was under attack by godless communist parasites," says Steve. "I was driving down Crescent street in my dad's BMW when a bunch of dirty hippies blocked the road. They think society owes them a living. It doesn't. I worked hard for my dad's BMW. And if those protesters were willing to work hard like me, they wouldn't expect the government to provide basic services as if they were human rights."

After Steve's run in with the protesters, he decided he had to act. "I started reading Ayn Rand and Ron Paul. And it got me thinking -- it was time for the suburbs to fight back. People think we're privileged just because our parents can afford $500,000 houses. Well, we're not privileged. Poor people are privileged. The homeless are privileged. The poor take and take and take from us, and now it's time for us take back from them. So I put down my copy of Atlas Shrugged, called up some friends, and started patrolling the streets of Montreal looking for homeless people to rob."

Steve's attacks on the homeless have been incredibly popular among suburbanites. "Homeless people are disgusting," says Jude Manning. "If you're poor, it's because you're lazy. And if you're lazy, you deserve what you get. I think everyone who lives in the South Shore or the West Island should hop on a bus, go downtown, and punch a poor person."

Several politicians from the West-Island have thrown their support behind Steve. "I think Steve LaDouche started something important," says Gerald Luntz, the provincial M.P for the riding of Roxborro-Dorval. "But his war on the poor is just the beginning. We should end all wealth redistribution, privatize all public property, and close all public services. Those of us who live in the suburbs are self-reliant and self-made, and the homeless and working poor should learn from our example."

Steve isn't thinking that far ahead. "I'm glad my work is so well received, but right now, all I really want to do is throw an awesome party with all the money I've made robbing homeless people. I'm going to rent out Crescent street and get all the cool people from the West Island to come shake their asses to Skrillex. I'll show Montreal how to party suburban style. And when I'm done dancing to Skrillex, I'm going to go rob some more poor people."
Contact Us | Copyright (c) 2024 Rave News