SUBURBAN RAVE PROMOTER ROBS THE HOMELESS
Montreal is witnessing a gold rush as hundreds of young, affluent suburbanites flock to the city in an effort to reclaim money they feel is rightfully theirs. There's gold in the alleyways of Montreal, and these rugged West Island and South Shore natives are hellbent on mining it. "I've been robbing the homeless for a year now," says Steve LaDouche, a rave promoter from Kirkland. "It's one of the most rewarding jobs you could possibly imagine."
The rich and well to do citizens of Montreal's suburbs and exurbs are banding together to fight against Quebec's rampant socialist tendencies. "During the student protests of 2012, it was obvious that Montreal was under attack by godless communist parasites," says Steve. "I was driving down Crescent street in my dad's BMW when a bunch of dirty hippies blocked the road. They think society owes them a living. It doesn't. I worked hard for my dad's BMW. And if those protesters were willing to work hard like me, they wouldn't expect the government to provide basic services as if they were human rights."
After Steve's run in with the protesters, he decided he had to act. "I started reading Ayn Rand and Ron Paul. And it got me thinking -- it was time for the suburbs to fight back. People think we're privileged just because our parents can afford $500,000 houses. Well, we're not privileged. Poor people are privileged. The homeless are privileged. The poor take and take and take from us, and now it's time for us take back from them. So I put down my copy of Atlas Shrugged, called up some friends, and started patrolling the streets of Montreal looking for homeless people to rob."
Steve's attacks on the homeless have been incredibly popular among suburbanites. "Homeless people are disgusting," says Jude Manning. "If you're poor, it's because you're lazy. And if you're lazy, you deserve what you get. I think everyone who lives in the South Shore or the West Island should hop on a bus, go downtown, and punch a poor person."
Several politicians from the West-Island have thrown their support behind Steve. "I think Steve LaDouche started something important," says Gerald Luntz, the provincial M.P for the riding of Roxborro-Dorval. "But his war on the poor is just the beginning. We should end all wealth redistribution, privatize all public property, and close all public services. Those of us who live in the suburbs are self-reliant and self-made, and the homeless and working poor should learn from our example."
Steve isn't thinking that far ahead. "I'm glad my work is so well received, but right now, all I really want to do is throw an awesome party with all the money I've made robbing homeless people. I'm going to rent out Crescent street and get all the cool people from the West Island to come shake their asses to Skrillex. I'll show Montreal how to party suburban style. And when I'm done dancing to Skrillex, I'm going to go rob some more poor people."