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Wednesday March 6th, 2013

Parents across Montreal can add toothpaste to the long list of threats that their children have to contend with. "Childhood is under siege," says Martha Parker, a concerned West Island mother. "What's happening to the world when even toothpaste poses a moral danger to our children?"

Last December, researchers at the Mongolian Chankatter institute for the Dental Sciences discovered that the titanium dioxide particles in toothpaste affected spacial recognition in mice. "To put it bluntly," says lead researcher Dr. Mout, "when we applied toothpaste to the nipples of the mice, they entered a state that closely resembles a drug high. Their pupils dilated, their heart rate increased, and their ability to navigate mazes was greatly reduced. They became disoriented, as if they were drunk."

The Chankatter study set off a flurry of activity among the seedier parts of the internet, where intrepid psychonauts decided to test out whether a similar high could be had in humans. After users on the internet reported getting high on toothpaste, teenagers across the country started applying it to their chests in search of a cheap drug high.

"Anecdotal evidence does suggest that applying toothpaste to one's areolas affects the human brain in ways similar to our mice experiments," says Dr. Mout, "We are not, at this time, aware of what the health implications of a toothpaste high are. More research needs to be done."

Martha Parker has spent the last month trying to get Canadian politicians to act on the new drug craze sweeping through schools across the country. "Children are getting high on a drug they can buy at the grocery store," says Martha. "Our politicians need to get their act together. Now that toothpaste can be used as a narcotic, it needs to be regulated, and the giant corporations who have been selling this dangerous drug need to be held to account for helping corrupt our young. Children are the future, and we need to protect our future by making toothpaste a controlled substance."
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