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"I HAVE SUPERPOWERS!" CLAIMS DRUG ADDLED RAVER AT FUNERAL
Alice Hartfield's family was grieving at the cancer victim's funeral on Tuesday, when an unwelcome guest arrived and added to their sorrows. 22 year old Simon Beaulieu, a childhood friend of Jason Hartfield, Alice's son, showed up to pay his respects. Unfortunately for the people who were morning Alice's departure, Simon had dropped fifteen hits of acid before coming to the funeral.
"Simon was out of his mind on drugs," says Jason. "We used to be best friends when we were younger, but after he got involved in raving, we drifted a part. I'm a pretty straight edge guy. I don't do drugs, I rarely drink. Simon went the other way. He drinks from dusk 'til dawn, and I don't think there's a drug on earth he hasn't tried at least once."
Shortly after Simon showed up, he started telling everyone that he had super powers. "He came up to me and told me Alice was okay, and he knew that because he could talk to the dead using his super powers," says Gerald Hartfield, Alice's husband. "It took all my self-control not to punch him in the face."
After approaching several people at the funeral and telling them about his double life as a super powered crime fighter, Simon walked up to the casket where Alice's body was resting, grabbed her hand, and started chanting. "He kept saying he was going to bring her back to life," says Jason. "I lost it. I went up to him, grabbed him by the collar, and dragged his drug addled ass out of the funeral home."
Simon couldn't understand why people were so upset with him. "When I was on LSD, the Universe shared its secrets with me. For a brief instant, I could walk the thin line between life and death. I saw Alice on the other side, and if those idiots would have just let me finish my chant, she'd be back with us right now," says Simon. "I know it's hard to believe, but I do have super powers. Drugs aren't just for fun. They can give you powers, man. Make you something more than human."
Jason and Gerald are less than impressed with Simon's antics. "He needs to get some help. Healthy people don't show up at funerals high on LSD," says Gerald. "He's lucky we didn't call the cops on him."
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