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Thursday February 7th, 2013
ALBUM SALES SKYROCKET AFTER PSYTRANCE DJ CUTS OFF AND EATS HAND



Horrible sights are par for the course when you work as a paramedic, but nothing could have prepared Tyrone Cadwell for what he saw last Tuesday night when he made a visit to renowned psytrance DJ Powder's apartment. "Being a paramedic isn't for the faint of heart, but even I had trouble stomaching the terrible things I saw that night," says Tyrone. "I've seen bodies covered in third degree burns, I've seen throats slashed all the way through, I've seen torsos riddled with bullets, but i've never seen a man cut off his own hand and eat it."

A neighbour of DJ Powder called 911 after they noticed blood seeping through his apartment door. Tyrone and his partner Jessica Smith arrived within minutes of being dispatched. "The victim had left his door unlocked. When we entered his apartment, we discovered him passed out in a pile of his own blood, his face covered in a film of white powder, his left hand clutching on to the crimson meaty rump of what was left of his right hand," says Jessica. "I almost lost my lunch when I noticed the plate on his kitchen table. It had his half eaten hand on it."

Tyrone was rushed to the hospital, where doctors managed to save his life. "He lost a lot of blood," says Dr. Christina Cavis, "but he was brought to us in time, so we were able to patch him up and keep him alive."

The police say they've never seen anything quite like it. "We interviewed DJ Powder after his condition stabilized," says Lt. Scott Lewis, "which is when he told us that he ate his own hand in order to become famous."

Police say that DJ Powder was alone at home, ruminating over the declining popularity of psytrance music. "This young man was desperate to revive the flagging fortunes of the musical genre he had dedicated his life to," says Lt. Lewis. "He got high on ketamine, and during the middle of his trip, decided that the only way he could make psytrance popular again was if he was more hardcore than Vincent Van Gogh, the painter who famously cut off his ear. He figured if he cut off and ate his own hand, he'd make headlines around the world, and people would rush out to download his songs on iTunes."

DJ Powder's prediction came true. "Cannibalism is the new Gangnam Style," says marketing expert Didier Duval. "Two weeks ago, no one had ever heard about DJ Powder, but right now, his songs are topping the charts. Cannibalism might be an extreme form of marketing, but it works. Everyone's listening to psytrance now."

Scooter Braun, Justin Bieber's manager, is rumoured to have met with DJ Powder within days of his album hitting the top of the charts.

"If the rumours are true," says Didier, "and Mr. Braun really is interested in signing DJ Powder on as a client, it just goes to show that succeeding in the musical industry these days requires a stomach that can handle a bit of human meat."

DJ Powder couldn't be reached for comment, though he did update his twitter feed after being released from the hospital. "Tasted like pork," is all he wrote.
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