DUBSTEP PROMOTER KILLS SON FOR HAVING SMALL PENIS
Notorious Dubstep promoter Duval Lacrosse was arrested over the weekend after he murdered his 9 year old son Marcel. The promoter was worried that his son's small penis would jeopardize his ability to live a rich and fulfilling life as an adult, and decided to spare him the torture of inadequacy by drowning him in a bathtub.
The promoter told the police that his son had been born with a micro-penis, and that every year, it seemed to shrink a bit. "He was very upset with his son's equipment," SPVM spokesman Jean Legrand told Ravenews. "It weighed heavily on his mind." Friends of Duval agreed that his son's penile problems concerned him a great deal. "I'd be playing at his parties, and he'd just keep tapping me on my shoulder telling me about how small his son's dick was," says Regis Kirkland. "It was really weird. No one deserves to die because of something like. Duval's an idiot."
Duval's obsession with penis size was well known to Montreal's rave scene. "He'd sell penis pumps, cock and ball stretching devices, and weird herbal penis enlargement pills at all his parties," said Nathan Duvillion. "The last party he organized was called Big Rods. Duval was obsessed with cocks, and he thought having a man's self-worth was measured by the size of his dick. I never would have thought he'd kill his son for having a small penis though. It just goes to show you, you can party with a guy for years, but that doesn't mean you know what kind of person he is. That dude you spent all that time dancing with might one day drown his son in a bathtub for having a micro-penis."
Duval's ex-wife, Natasha Desmoines, was inconsolable. "Marcel had his whole life ahead of him," said Natasha. "I don't know what I'm going to do. My life is empty without him."