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Saturday October 13th, 2012

Club promoter Don LeBron was arrested on charges of animal cruelty after police shut down what they described as an unbelievable and unspeakably cruel party. "The accused had a monthly event where people could bet on fights between rare and endangered animals," says officer Evelyn Sparks. "We have recovered several dozen beasts from the accused's property, including an amazonian manatee, two peacocks, several baby kangaroos, the list goes on. It will take time sorting through all the creatures and finding them new homes."

The disgraced club promoter had been collecting rare animals for years, pitting them against each other in death matches. Over time, the fights evolved into giant bacchanalian parties, full of drugs and naked people.

"In recent months, the accused started letting his more affluent party goers have sex with his animals. When we shut down the party, we found a maid-outfit clad koala bear tied to a bed. Thankfully, veterinarians tell us that the Australian marsupial was not the victim of a sexual assault that night. Had we shown up an hour later, it might have been a different story. Montreal's nightlife has long been known for being wild, but this is going several steps too far."

The promoter remains defiantly unrepentant. "As humans, we have a right to do whatever we want to do to animals" says Don. "You don't see the police arresting anyone for harvesting animals in massive cramped factories, living in conditions of true intolerable cruelty. My beasts were treated like royalty between matches. They lived lives of ease. Yeah, now and then they'd have to fight each other, but animals like fighting. It's in their blood."

He also defended his decision to allow bestiality to take place at his events. "Sure, ravers would occasionally have sex with some of my beasts, but so what? Animals are horny. Dick is dick and pussy is pussy, it doesn't matter if you're a dog, a goat, a lion, or a man. It's the same damn thing."

Jerome Withers, a spokesperson for The Montreal Rave Alliance, says that Don LeBron is just the latest in a string of promoters besmirching the city's nightlife. "I don't think that bestiality and animal fighting is representative of what raving is about," says Jerome. "Just because some ravers have sex with dogs and pay to see peacocks fight each other, doesn't mean all ravers do that. Don has managed to undermine the already fragile reputation the rave community has in the eyes of the city, and I just want to emphatically say his events are not reflective of what most parties in Montreal are like."
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