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Thursday October 4th, 2012
DELUSIONAL METH ADDICT ATTACKS NURSES WITH DIRTY FORK



Robin Dorchester, a delusional meth addict, attacked his nurses after he woke up at the hospital, oblivious to how he got there. "We were trying to do our job" said Sarah Pratchett, a nurse who witnessed everything. "Robin showed up at the hospital, his face covered in blood, muttering something about the end of days. Then he passed out. We put him on a gurney and found him a room, and started readying him for the doctors when he woke up in a state of panic. He began yelling at everyone, throwing things at us, then he took out a fork from his pocket and started stabbing the nurses."

It took four police officers to subdue Robin. "It was like he was possessed by a demon. He was incredibly strong. We think it's because he's lost the capability to feel pain due to years of meth abuse." said Officer Tom Witters. "We finally managed to tackle him to the ground, which is when we arrested him for aggravated assault."

Eventually, the police were able to piece together what had brought Robin to the hospital. "After he calmed down and realized we weren't agents of Satan sent to earth to harvest human souls in a bid to kickstart the apocalypse, he told us his story. He'd been at a Psytrance party the night of the incident, when someone smashed a beer bottle over his head after he had told a DJ that Psytrance is repetitive, awful music. This offended pretty much everyone at the party, resulting in his ass getting the shit kicked out of it. The beating caused him to enter a fugue state in which he was convinced the world was coming to an end, and only he could save it. During this state, he decided he had to proselytize at a Hospital. It took Robin several hours after his arrest to remember all of this."

The nurses meanwhile, say they plan on changing security protocols in order to avoid a repeat attack. "We're definitely going to make sure our patients don't have forks in their pockets before we start treating them," said Sarah. "That's for sure."
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