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Tuesday August 21st, 2012

Right wing firebrand and evangelical preacher Jeoffrey Dizon made headlines this weekend after delivering a fiery sermon on the sins of raving to his congregation in Red Dear, Alberta. In a fit of pique, the colourful preacher told his flock that ravers are a threat to all things holy, and then suggested that Canada would be better off if the police would round them up and place them in concentration camps. News of his calls for raver camps leaked out to the press, and a firestorm followed.

"Raving leads to sodomy. It leads to debauchery. It leads to sin and it leads to sorrow. If we don't put a stop to it, countless souls will be lost to heaven. It might seem heavy handed to imprison ravers, but we have to quarantine them or their decadent dancing disease will spread, causing countless more people to fall into perdition. A few years in a camp dedicated to prayer and Godliness is a small price to pay in order to protect people from an eternity in the bowels of hell." said Dizon when contacted by Rave News.

His congregation of middle aged hicks were glowing in their praise for their controversial preacher. One man, who refused to give a name, recounted a story about how he lost his son to raving.

"He was a hard working student. He got straight As, did his homework, he was a loving son who went to church every Sunday. Then one day, he sneaked out and went to this rave over in Edmonton. Now he spends his nights fellating strangers in bath houses and giving handjobs to homeless people. The only time we see him is when he needs to borrow money, which we never give him, because we know he'll just spend it on crystal meth. Raving destroyed our son. It turned him into a drug addled buggerer and fellater of men. A pox on partying. Dizon is right. I failed to put the love of God in my kid, and now he's just full of the sins of man. If we had raver camps, I'd send my boy to one of them in a heartbeat."

Needless to say, not everyone has been so receptive of Dizon's sermon. One Red Dear citizen, Emily Mason, was outspoken in her criticism of the small town preacher. "Everyone has a right to party. We live in a free country, and if I want to go to a rave and snort cocaine off my friend's chest while pumping my fist in the air to an awesome Skrillex remix, I should be allowed to. Dizon's a fascist."

Some party goers were more open to Dizon's idea, like Ashton Duchene, a 19 year old raver from Calgary. "A camp for ravers? If the DJ line up was off the hook, I'd go." When he was informed that there'd be no music, just bibles, he shrugged his shoulders and laughed. "Where there's ravers, there's music. No exception. If they tried to silence us, we'd just find a way to turn the bibles into turntable, and then we'd spin some righteous beats. God is a DJ, and he loves dubstep."
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