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Thursday November 24th, 2011

Any marginal person will tell you that they believe in DIY, do it yourself - save some money, fight capitalism, damn the man. Make your own soap, create your own music, throw your own party. Some things, however, are better left to the professionals.

A crew of neo-hippies based in Montreal, with ties to communes in British Columbia, have decided that it would be best to circumvent the gang controlled drug providers by making the drugs themselves. After learning the processes for manufacturing drugs on the internet, and some from 'enlightened' oldsters in their entourage, they made several batches of LSD, Ecstasy, Speed, 2CB, and Ketamine. Calling themselves Funktion Motors, they sell these home-made drugs at a fraction of the price, which these days is, ironically, already low. One of their crew members, Paul Creud, told us that "We make highly effective substances with recycled materials, and legal plants, that will take you to a much higher state of consciousness than any other dirty pill these gangsters try to sell you. It's great!".

However, they almost immediately faced many problems and dangers. The worst being the health issue. Many of the ingredients are cheap replacements for the usual ones, some are ineffective, some too effective, as well as some combinations of which are already on the FDA (Food & Drug Administration) banned list. We asked Funktion Motors for a full ingredient list and recipe for each different drug, but were refused.

After their first night of partying with these drugs at a large festival, there were 3 over-doses, fortunately non-lethal. One person was rushed to the Hospital after suffering a mild heart-attack. A dozen people broke out into fevers. "Well, of course some of the process involves trial and error, and some people must've just bad-tripped 'cause they weren't listening to the right music - no fault of ours" said Paul during a phone interview. "Dude, we're making substances that are much purer and more natural than the gangs do, so people have to learn to dose themselves, man". When asked if their clients were warned of the drugs' alternative origins he responded with "We write our logo on the baggies, so people should know already. Anyway, what's there to warn about? That our stuff is more awesome and environmental?".

Obviously the biggest opposition to this DIY drug manufacturing comes from the mafias and bikers, those who own the trade. Several of Funkion Motors' bases of operation have been subject to arson and vandalism. A few of FM's clients were beaten. An anonymous employee of the Hell's Angels told us that "The bosses are more than a little pissed off. Who do these fuckers think they're dealing with? They're gonna get eradicated". A short pause from him, followed by an unreasonably reasonable statement, "Listen, yeah people think that we're the evil ones providing people with illicit substances, but we wouldn't be in business if people didn't want it. Anyway, sure we cut our drugs, but fuck, we want people to survive their trip so that they come back and buy more. Makes sense? But these hippy dicks don't know what they're doing. They're gonna get innocent kids killed. I'm not talking about the addict who does too much Heroine, I'm talking about some party-goer dying from a small dose".

Despite all the set-backs, Funktion Motors says that they'll continue making and testing their drugs until they find their own alternative to the black-market; until they successfully enlighten their fellow ravers for a dollar less.

Need to call an ambulance? Do it yourself.
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