JESUS CHRIST RUINS BIRTHDAY PARTY
ST-HENRI — Friends of shaggy haired psytrance addict Nathan Laurier were lost for words after he informed them that he was the son of God, Jesus Christ, reborn in Montreal for the sole purpose of waging holy war against the forces of Satan.
Nathan told his friends of his divine lineage on Friday night after snorting an unspecified amount of ketamine while attending Jonathan Duchene's birthday. Party goers took Nathan's godly claims in good humor at first, but when Nathan realized that they weren't taking him seriously, he became agitated and started yelling at them.
"He kept insisting that he was Jesus and that Nostradamus had prophesized his birth" said Jonathan. "It was messed up. I thought he'd gone crazy. He started yelling at people and throwing things. My brother Alex gave me a giant Yoda statue as a gift for my birthday, and Nathan chucked it at my head. I barely dodged it. He was mental."
Jennifer Faubert, who has known Nathan for years, agreed. "I'd never seen him act that way before. It's like something snapped inside his head. He just kept rambling about how the Vatican had been training him since birth in preparation for armaggedon, and that if we didn't believe him, he'd send us all to hell."
Nathan's girlfriend, Louise Guidon, was equally shaken. "I've known him for five years, and I've never seen him like that. He really thought he was the son of God. He told me that everything I knew about him was a lie, and that he wasn't really a high-school drop-out from Gaspesie. That was just a cover story. He told me that in reality, he had spent his teenage years studying at several secret Vatican ninja camps, learning Christian ninjutsu from the Templar Knights. I really need to break up with him" she said, and then winced. "But I'm worried he'll hurt me when I tell him we can't be together."
The night's rampage came to an end when Alex punched Nathan in the face. "He broke Yoda. No one breaks Yoda and gets away with it." said Alex. "Nathan ran out of the apartment, blood and tears streaming down his face," added Jonathan."it was messed up."