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GRAVE ROBBING RAVERS PILLAGE MONTREAL CEMETERIES
VILLE ST-LAURENT — A ghoulish trend is sweeping Montreal's rave community as underage party goers invade graveyards for their midnight dancing needs. Ville St-Laurent officials say their borough has been hit particularly hard by raving vandals. "They've broken tombstones, they've dug up graves, they've been caught fornicating on top of rotting coffins. One raver was caught stealing skulls at one party." an anonymous source informs us.
"I blame Twilight" said Lisa R., a mother of a 17 year old diehard dubstep fan. "I think these ravers have been getting high on Stephanie Meyer's books, and that's why they're throwing parties in graveyards."
Jonathan D., a teacher at one of Ville St-Laurent's many high schools, agrees. "The government should ban Twilight. Did you hear about that woman in Denver, Colorado who went around biting people in a convenience store? There's a morbid vampire craze happening right now. My students are partying in graveyards, and I can't get them to stop. Their parents can't get them to stop. The government needs to do something."
Hidden underneath the bed of Alexis T. is the collar bone of a dead octogenerian. "My friend threw this bash at one of the nearby cemeteries. We were dancing to chiptunes when a bunch of us decided to dig up one of the graves. It belonged to this old lady, I can't remember her name. I think it was Doris. Or maybe Edna. Anyways, we decided to each take one of her bones, which we would then turn into jewelery. One guy made a really nice bracelet out of her wrist. He painted it fluorescent orange. It's so pretty. I'm going to make a necklace out of my bone."
When asked if she felt guilty about what robbing graves, Alexis balked. "No way! That old lady is part of the Montreal party scene now. We're honoring her memory in a way no tombstone ever could. Whenever we wear our bone jewelery, it's like she'll be dancing with us."
Stanley F., a youth psychologist at one of Montreal's finer hospitals, says he isn't surprised that ravers have resorted to grave robbing. "You know, they're reading all these books about vampires and goblins, and they're watching horror movies, and listening to the hip hop and the rock and roll and the techno music, and it just spoils their brain. Especially the techno. One of the studies I just conducted shows that techno music destroys the brain's insular cortex, a region that plays a huge role in regulating our capacity for empathy. Without it, you're pretty much a psychopath. I'm not surprised that people who listen to techno and read vampire books spend their evenings digging up graves."
"We need to burn some books and ban electronic music, I think." Stanley said. "If we don't, these graveyard ravers are going to grow up to be serial killers."
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