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Saturday October 23rd, 2010
MONTREAL CHIKAN MOVEMENT



The Japanese have exported some wonderful cultural products to the West over the years. Unfortunately, they've also given us some pretty horrible things as well, like bukkake porn, pokemon, and the topic of this report -- the Chikan movement. The Chikan, which is Japanese for groper, have now found a home in our fair city, and they've started terrorizing ravers, clubbers, and hipsters. Dozens of reports are coming in from clubs, pubs, and parties about the mob like groping activities of the Chikan underworld.

Over in the land of the rising sun, pervy men fondling strangers is such a common affair that over 70% of teenage girls are reported to have been the victim of public molestation at some point in their lives. The Japanese have a word for these groping victims -- Chijo. Every day, more and more Montreal party kids are joining the ranks of the Chijo, as the wandering hands of desperate and foul men reach over and cop a feel.

One of the things that separates the Chikan from your run of the mill pervert is that they are well organized. The Chikan hunts for Chijo in the same way that military commanders plan sieges. They gather data, build maps, plan escape routes, and figure out the easiest place to hit for the greatest rewards and the lowest risk. Nowadays, the Chikan have become so sophisticated, that they even use social media websites to coordinate group groping attacks. When a Chikan notices an opportunity to molest someone while out and about, he sends a text to an internet base camp that informs all the members of his pervy tribe about the booty available. Members who are available then descend on the target in a manner similar to a flash mob.

Chikan's are always on the lookout for an opportunity to successfully fondle some Chijo. They are at war with the boundaries of acceptable behavior, and every time they see a chance to destroy those boundaries, they will take it.

They are the samurai of perversion, and they're in Montreal, dancing at your parties, grabbing your girlfriend's butt.
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