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Friday December 17th, 2010

This former rave promoter picked up a disturbing habit while on a cross country road trip last summer. He was driving from Montreal to Thunderbay, and at one point in the trip, right when he was stuck in a desolate part of corn country, his bowels started rumbling. He could have pulled over and relieved himself on the side of the road, but he decided to soldier on. He was going to keep it in until he got to a rest stop.

That didn't work out too well for him.

He was just a mile away from giving his sphincter a chance to breathe when his innards convulsed and his underwear filled up with a load of the brown stuff. At first, this raver was horrified. He was far too embarrassed to pull in to the rest stop to change clothing. Instead, he just kept driving, His mind was completely baffled at what had just happened to him. He was only 32 years old. He wasn't an old fart. He didn't need a supply of depends. And yet, here he was, sitting in his own filth. He almost started to cry.

But he didn't. Instead, he started to laugh. He was an aging candy raver driving to the middle of nowhere in a beat up chevy while sitting in his own shit. He couldn't help it. Mirth overcame him. He popped in an old Anabolic Frolic cd and started to cackle like a lunatic. Eventually, when the laughter died down, he realized he actually liked the feel of feces in his underwear. They were warm and kind of mushy. It felt like sitting in a giant bowl of onion soup full of bread and cheese.

He told his friends that's how he decided people were too scared of their own poo. He thought the taboo against feces is a sanctimonious western social construct. There's nothing inherently wrong with poo. It's a wonderful substance, and he was going to have as much fun with it as he could, to hell with what other people think.

Ever since this revelation of his, our candy raving promoter has started to wear adult diapers around the house. He's a huge World of Warcraft addict, and now that he's shed his shame of poo, he can stay at the computer and play for over ten hours without ever getting up. He needs to go, he just does it right there, while sitting down in his chair.

He has enough common sense not to do this when his friends are around, but he's not ashamed in the least about his habit, and loves to tell people about it. He thinks everyone needs to loosen up. It's only poo, after all.
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