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Saturday December 4th, 2010

The webmaster of a popular Montreal nightlife website is being hailed as a hero by the city's police after he stopped a bipolar teenager from jumping off the roof of a six story apartment building. This commendable act of heroism took place after a night of reckless debauchery -- yes, last weekend, a night of senseless excess saved someone's life. Had our webmaster stayed home to study instead of have drunken sweaty sex with a half dozen people, a teenager would be dead today.

Our raver savior had spent the night boozing up a storm at a Fetish Club with a bevy of bondage loving transgendered beauties. He was on his way home with this group of decadent sensualists for a good old fashioned orgy when a member of his entourage made a joke that had him laughing his head off. The webmaster glanced up at the sky in a moment of mirth, only to notice a guy standing on the ledge of a nearby building.

He pointed the man out to his friends, and a mix of panic and shock came across their faces when they realized they were about to witness someone commit suicide. The webmaster immediately took control of the situation. Despite being as drunk as Mel Gibson at a Ku Klux Klan keg party, he got grounded and took command of the situation.

First, he had a leather clad drag queen call the police to tell them what was going on, then he sent two other members of the group to see if they could climb up the building through one of its fire escapes. Meanwhile, he'd try to get in through the front door. The rest of the group would stay behind and keep an eye on the jumper.

Unfortunately, the front door was locked. The webmaster started buzzing every single apartment in the building, hoping against hope that one of them would open the door. None of them did. The building didn't have an intercom, so he couldn't warn any of the tenants about what was happening. He gave up after a few minutes, and decided to check in on his friends who were trying to climb the fire escapes.

There were two sets of ladders, one on each side of the building, and like many fire escapes, they were the kind that were easier to climb down than they were to climb up. The last portion of the ladder had to be pushed down from the second floor before it could reach ground level, and it was impossible for the group to reach the ladder by jumping. The webmaster had his friends look for a dumpster they could use to reach the fire escape, while he started picking up rocks and throwing them at the windows of people on the second floor.

One of his rocks hit a window so hard it broke. Within seconds, the tenant of the apartment he hit opened what was left of his window to yell at the webmaster. He told him he was going to call the cops. The webmaster retorted that he had already done that because someone was trying to jump off the roof of his building, and that if he didn't do something quick, that person would break his neck, which was a lot more valuable than the tenant's window. He told the man to push down the fire ladder, and was apparently so persuasive that he did it within seconds of being asked.

The webmaster then called out to the friends he had sent to look for a dumpster , and the three sex fiends rushed up the fire escape, with the tenant not too far behind them. Once they got to the top, the teenager was still standing on the ledge, rocking his body back and forth, inching his way towards certain doom. The kid didn't even bother to look at the people who had intruded on his meeting with the grim reaper. He just stood there, rocking to and fro', locked in his own world.

This was when something remarkable happened. The webmaster, upon seeing the fragile boy who was a step away from death, turned into some kind of drunken Dr. Phil. He unleashed an epic, life affirming, soul enhancing love letter to existence. The exact words he said are lost to time, but his speech was profound enough to actually move the teenager away from the ledge he had been leaning over. He turned to face the webmaster, tears in his eyes. The webmaster approached the teenager, and the two of them hugged for a very long time. The teenager was sobbing into his chest for what seemed like hours. By the time the hug had ended, the police had arrived with an ambulance in tow.

The teenager, who lived with his single father on the top floor of the building, was brought to a hospital. The dad thanked the merry band of hedonists for stopping his son from doing something stupid, and the police told the group that they were all heroes for what they did that night, though they saved their greatest compliments for the webmaster.

That's not where the good times end, either. Several hours after this ordeal began, the group of BDSM loving sex freaks finally made it back to the webmaster's apartment, and he was treated to a royal feast of pleasure that went on for over three days. They fucked, they slept, they fucked, they slept, and they fucked some more. They celebrated life like champions, and had what they claim, was the best sex of their lives.

The greater your deeds, the greater your sex life. That's what our group of raving saviors now believe, anyways.
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